There are so many patterns when it comes to quitting. And while there are definitely times and situations when quitting makes sense, we often give up all too easily. So, as well as the pros and cons, I’m discussing five different ways to keep yourself motivated to carry on when things get difficult.
Tune in this week to discover how to stop quitting on yourself. There is so much to learn from our quitting, so I’m sharing why we quit when it comes to weight loss, and how to use this information to approach your weight loss with more confidence and without fear of failure.
Are you convinced that you won’t ever get your desired results with weight loss because you quit every diet you’ve ever started? Well, this podcast episode is for you.
I am Dara Tomasson, and this is Weight Loss for Quilters episode 19. Did you know you could lose weight and keep it off for good? After 25 years of hiding behind my quilts, I have finally cracked the code for permanent weight loss, and I’ve lost 50 pounds without exercise or counting calories. I’m Dara Tomasson, professional quilter turned weight and life coach, where I help quilters just like you create a life they love by losing weight and keeping it off for good. Let’s jump into today’s episode.
Today we will be talking about this really fun hashtag that I started, it’s called #QuiltersNotQuitters. So when I wrote my two quilting books, I wrote the word ‘quilter’ a lot. And I don’t know if you’ve done this on your keyboard, but the L and the T are kind of close to each other, or the way my fingers were. They’re actually not close to each other but just my fingers sometimes would do it and I’d see the word ‘quitter’. And I was like, “No, no, we’re quilters, we’re not quitters.”
So this idea of being a quilter and not a quitter has been circulating in my head for years now. And the more that I coach women and we learn about this whole diet culture and diet mentality, and how much I see my beautiful clients beating themselves up because they just feel like they’re quitters and they’re not successful. The more that I’ve delved into this topic and letting it circulate in my brain I feel like I’ve found this dark tunnel, I’m in this dark tunnel. And I was able to keep walking through it figuring it out and figuring it out.
And then at the end of this tunnel was a glorious, beautiful oasis. And it’s just so fascinating. And there’s all different kinds of life there and everything. And so the more I explore about this whole quitting concept and really understanding why we quit and there actually are benefits of quitting. So that’s what I’m going to do in this episode. I’m going to tell you all the things that I’ve discovered as I’ve really looked at quitting and understanding this pattern. And just like Brené Brown talks about, once you’ve discovered a pattern you can’t unlearn it.
So we’re going to learn about the patterns of quitting. We’re going to see the pros of quitting and the cons of quitting. And then I’m actually going to tell you five different ways of how you can stop quitting on yourself, one, two, three, four, five. Merry Christmas.
Alright, so before we go into our episode of how I’m going to share all these things with you I wanted just to shout out that there’s some fun stuff going on. And currently as I’m recording this, I have my Weight Loss Science popup group and we are having seriously a blast. It’s been really, really fun. And there’s been some tears shed.
Yesterday I was coaching someone, and someone messaged me later and just said, “Dara, I had tears in my eyes several times as I was listening to you coach that lady because it was like you were coaching me, and it was someone else and I’m no longer alone.” It was so awesome. So that is really fun. I’m really enjoying that Weight Loss Science popup group. And I love these popup groups so much because I love helping quilters stop quitting on themselves. And so I thought what would be the most fun thing to do, I love Christmas.
So if you’re listening to this after the time that this popup group is available in my group program, you can purchase, it’s part of the program, it just comes with it. But if you’re catching this before December 1st to 16th of 2021, you can sign up and we’re going to be meeting Monday to Friday, we’ll have the weekend off, but we’ll have a private Facebook group. And I’m going to be teaching you every day, the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a gem of how we can stop quitting and how we can start truly living a life that we want.
So I am going to be of course touching on some of those concepts in this podcast. I’m going to go more into detail for the popup group, but I do want to let you know that that is available, and you can sign up in the link there. And one of the funnest things about it is that I actually have a t-shirt that you’re going to get and it’s so fun.
So what would it be like for you to give yourself a Christmas present of prioritizing your mental and physical health before Christmas? And then you even get a little present in the mail. I’m going to mail you your very own Quilter, Not Quitter t-shirt. So you can go sign up for that, I’d love to meet you there.
Okay, so here we go. Let’s look at the concept of quitting. So there’s actually some really good reasons why we quit. So we’re going to go into that right now. So as we look at the definition of quitting, quitting literally just means you stopped doing something. And so when you stop doing something you basically stop any action that would go with that. So before we go into the definition of that I want to go into why we quit. So let’s look at the why.
So we have fear, we don’t want to fail. We have anxiety about not being able to do something and think of all the worst case scenarios if we fail. We blame others and life’s circumstances for why we’re not able to achieve what we want. We lack confidence in our ability to achieve something. We don’t know how to manage our minds. We think that thoughts are facts and so we feel super stuck. And we don’t believe we know how to solve our own problems and we step out of our own authority.
So now I’m going to take those and translate those into diet thinking that you could possibly relate to. And I am very certain you can relate to pretty much every single one of these that I’m going to be sharing. So let’s look at why we quit and how it is affected by weight loss.
So number one is we fear that we’re not smart enough or strong enough to be able to figure out how to lose the weight. We don’t think we’re smart enough to understand weight loss science. We don’t think we’re smart enough to figure out all the stuff about calories, and working out, and micros and macros. Oh my word, they talk about things like that and then reading the backs of labels and all those things. And by the way, I don’t ever want to do any of that kind of stuff, so if you don’t want to either then maybe you should look into my program.
But anyway, alright, let’s keep going. So you feel like you’re not smart enough to figure those things out. You quit because you’ve failed so many times before so the idea of spending more time, effort, and money on this seems like the worst idea. Another reason why we quit especially – and we’re talking about weight loss here, is that you don’t want to go to the worst case scenario which would be continually adding more weight on, because then you would lack mobility, you have type 2 diabetes, you have so many more health issues.
And so because you don’t want to think about what your life would be like when you’re just continually gaining weight, you tend to numb out through shopping, social media, through eating, blaming others, gossiping, looking for all the other reasons why it would be impossible for you to lose weight. So you go to things like family history or maybe that you’re in menopause, politics, or pandemics. So you’re really trying to find reasons outside of you why it would be completely impossible so then you just fail ahead of time. That’s why we quit.
Another reason we quit is because we’re continually blaming others and life’s circumstances for why you haven’t been able to lose weight and keep it off. So you never learn to take full responsibility for your weight. It always feels like weight loss is an impossible goal. So again, going with the last example, you basically convince yourself that it’s not possible for you to lose weight, so now you’re not held accountable for even the notion that that’s going to happen.
Another reason why we quit is because we find ourselves saying things like, “After Christmas then I will lose weight.” “After COVID then I will tackle this weight.” Or “After the quilt retreat then I’ll really look at my weight problems.” So you’re continually putting off taking action because you lack confidence and trust in yourself to accomplish this goal.
So another reason we quit is we find ourselves comparing ourselves to others instead of being present in conversations when you’re at dinner, or even when you’re at someone else’s home, or when you’re at a coffee date, or when you’re shopping, or when you’re just even at home with yourself. You’re not really present in the interactions at home. So this is super frustrating because all that’s happening is you’re distracting yourself with food so you can stop thinking about how much you’re suffering.
Now, another reason why we quit is because we feel, or you feel there are just problems that can’t be solved in life. And so you’re just resigned to the fact that you’ll never figure it out. You’re like, “That’s just one of life’s mysteries. It’s not going to be for me.” And so you might have thoughts like, it is just going to be my life that I will have weight loss issues. No matter what I do I will always struggle with my weight. Or how about this, I guess this is just my lot in life, I will never be free from carrying around this extra weight.
Another reason we quit with weight loss is we say things like, “Weight loss is a mystery and unless I have a full staff, a dietician, or a personal chef, or a trainer with lots of money and time I will never lose the weight.” And so you think that you are not capable of mastering weight loss on your own and so it would be ridiculous to even bother trying. But when we quit, we stop progressing. When we stop progressing, we stay the same, status quo, nothing changes.
That’s why when we have conversations with people and they say, “What’s new?” And you say, “Nothing.” Because you literally keep yourself in a holding pattern, it’s like you wake up on the same side of the bed, you do the same thing. You brush your teeth. You have the same mug. You do the same, drive the same way to work or now in your retired life, if you’re retired. You just check your Facebook, then you check your Instagram and then maybe you check your email, and then you spend some time watching some reels or maybe you watch some YouTube videos.
And then you just do some more consuming. And then maybe you work on a little bit of a project and then you get distracted because someone calls for you, and then it’s lunchtime. And then that pattern just happens over again. And then it’s dinnertime. And then that pattern happens over again. But nighttime you might watch a show. You change it up a little bit. So you just literally do the same thing over and over again and you just pattern yourself because when we quit, we stop progressing.
So now you don’t give yourself the opportunity to learn something, to increase your confidence. So one of the reasons this happens, because when I explain it, it just seems kind of silly that this is happening. But part of the human condition is that for progression is that a lot of times we think that we gain confidence from our past. So I’ll be confident in something after when I’m competent at it.
So if we take the example of pouring a glass of water. We feel very confident that when we’re pouring a glass of water because we’ve done it so many times. But if we spill or miss the glass, we don’t really consider it a failure we’re just like, “Oh, I just kind of messed up a little, no big deal.” So we don’t make it mean anything negative and so we are willing to do it again because it’s just not a big deal. If we fail, we know we’re not going to quit and then we try it again. So can you imagine that, you pour a glass, you’re like, “Oh, I missed, I’m never going to pour a glass again.”
But we do that with a lot of things. And so let’s go to the diet examples. So if we went to the past to look for evidence if we are capable of making change or not. So we have thoughts like, well, when I was on Jenny Craig, I lost but then it became really expensive and the food kind of got boring, so I just stopped. And then all the weight just came back on. Or what about this one, I have been a Weight Watcher member for years and I just can’t seem to get it right.
Or how about this one, the only way to lose weight is – so the only way, there’s only one way in the world to lose weight is to buy those shakes. And when I can’t afford to keep buying them the weight will just inevitably come back on. So those are perfect examples of going to our past, we’re trying to feel confident when we become competent at something. And we’re really going to go into this in the 12 Days of Christmas where we learn how to take action from non-confidence. And we learn how to get confidence from our future selves.
So we’re willing to risk failure with everything that we do always and then we learn that confidence comes from our ability to fail from knowing that we’re not going to give up and from knowing that you can fail and get better and better every time.
So this is the part of the episode where I’m going to talk about the pros and cons of quitting. So how many diets have you been on? You can say it out loud. I know I can’t hear you. But most of my ladies that I work with or talked to, I’ve asked this question, I’ve asked hundreds of weight ladies and the minimum is 10. It’s just the keto, and Weight Watchers, and Jenny Craig, and Herbal Magic, and Suzanne Somers, all of it. There are just so many out there, Atkins, South Beach, they’re all there.
So we can actually learn from our quitting. And in fact the more diets you’ve tried the better because now we know what doesn’t work. So let’s take the classic example of Thomas Edison when he invented the light bulb. And so he just said, “I have discovered there’s 10,000 ways the light bulb doesn’t work.” And so he’s always saying, “It didn’t work how I thought but now I’m always learning from that.” So the same thing with a diet, it would be so much to your disadvantage to say, “Yeah, I’ve tried all these diets but they’re all terrible.”
Well, first of all, let’s just put it on the table, a diet really is meant for short term weight loss. So we’ve been approaching it all in the wrong way. The reason we have a diet, like someone would need to lose a bunch of weight for surgery so that they came up with, “Well, hey, if you do this, this and this, you can lose a bunch of weight in a short period of time.” That is what a diet is. It’s a short term plan. So that’s why I don’t teach diets. We create our own protocol.
There’s five simple steps to losing weight. One, weight loss science is simple. Two, you create your own eating protocol. Three, you learn how to troubleshoot your protocol. Four, you learn to feel all the feelings so you’re no longer buffering, avoiding, resisting, or reacting to negative emotions or even to positive emotions. And five, you learn to trust yourself and then that trust builds, and builds, and builds.
So when you can look at that diet and say, “You know, I didn’t like feeling uninspired. I didn’t like feeling un-empowered. I didn’t like someone telling me what to do. I didn’t like feeling uninformed.” So the more that you can see why you quit the diet you can now get so much insight into yourself, into the way that you decide to eat food.
So that is something that I really want to challenge you on is even after this episode, I always encourage you to take some time after the episode just to kind of digest everything that I’m saying. Because just today, we’re having the popup group, Weight Loss Science is Simple. And I get so excited every time ladies come because I feel like I’m giving them the key to food prison. They no longer have to be in food prison because now they understand how simple weight loss science is. And it’s just so clear and so easy to figure out.
And so then they can make informed decisions and we can just start the process and they no longer have to be like I said, in food prison. So there are certain things that are good to quit. There are certain things to stop your progression. So if you’re in a really bad relationship, great. If you are in a leaky house, you need to quit that house. You need to get out of that house. We just had a giant rainstorm here yesterday. I have never seen it like this. And there are certain things we need to quit.
If you are grinding your teeth at night, you need to quit that. You need to stop doing that because it’s going to wear your teeth down. If you’re using a dull blade on your rotary cutter, you need to quit that. You need to quit using that dull blade. So there’s lots of things that we want to stop doing, we want to stop progressing in that way, we want to stop using, abusing our arm, and our wrist, and our hand trying to cut fabric with a dull blade. We just want to stop all of that.
So there are benefits to quitting, it’s good to know. Quit dieting, I want you to quit dieting. Dieting is not getting you the results that you want. So I’m just going to compare before we go into the five steps because we’re coming up to that. Don’t you worry, I’ve got you. But I want you to think about the definition of failure. And so the definition of failure means you’ve just omitted to do something to get the result that you want. So I love looking at failure that way.
And we are going to talk about in the 12 Days of Christmas, so really when you fail it’s because you haven’t put all the puzzle pieces together. Failure is like an incomplete puzzle. It’s like, I didn’t have all the pieces there. I don’t see the whole thing.
So for example, if you wanted to learn to do free motion quilting and you’re trying to do the quilt, but you haven’t got it sandwiched properly. You’ve just omitted the step of learning how to use spray baste, or how to learn how to do pin basting, how to properly put that backing on the ground and doing all that. You’ve just omitted that, you just haven’t learned that part yet. So then you might say it’s a failure but the only reason it’s a failure is because you haven’t done the steps.
Whereas quitting is saying, “I literally am just stopping my progression on something. I’m not allowing myself to learn what I need to learn to get the result that I want. So you just stop yourself. It’s like you have no more gas, the car is not going anywhere, and you just stay there, that’s what quitting is. So we are going to talk about embracing failure. I love how failure means you are learning when we quit, we’re just stopping progressing. So we are quilters, not quitters. And it’s just such a good reminder to all of us.
So when you think about the beginning of the podcast and I explained of all the reasons why we quit, because we have fear and we don’t want to fail, and we have anxiety. We go to our worst case scenario. We blame others and life’s circumstances. We blame ourselves. We feel we’re not good enough. We lack confidence in our ability to achieve. We don’t know how to manage our minds very well. We think that thoughts are facts and so we feel super stuck. We don’t believe how to solve our problems and we step out of our own authority. That’s all that’s happening. That’s it.
So now we know it just has to do with the way we’re thinking. I’m going to give you these five steps to help you learn to think in a new way that’s going to help you to stop quitting on yourself. Because I want to tell you that it doesn’t matter how old you are. I have clients who are 85 years old. It doesn’t matter your economic status. It doesn’t matter where you live. You don’t have to quit on yourself. You can create whatever you want, truly create whatever you want. And I’m not saying it’s going to happen overnight.
If you were to make an 8,000 piece, English paper piece quilt, it’s going to take time. So transformation in our own lives takes time and effort. And these five steps are going to help you. So the first step to stop quitting on yourself is to allow the discomfort. So just like step three in how do you lose weight and keep it off, you have to be willing to feel all the feelings. That’s right, that’s step four. Now, I want you to put your hand on your body and say, “Okay, where is that negative emotion?”
Or even people have discomfort in positive emotion. Someone says, “You did such a good job on that quilt, it’s so amazing, you’re so talented.” Some people have a really hard time with that. So they have a hard time allowing praise. So one of the things I will recommend is I like to put my hand on my heart and it’s like I’m playing hide and seek. I’m like, “Where is that emotion?” So, okay, I can feel my stomach, my stomach is feeling really tense. Oh my goodness, my face is feeling really hot. My heart is beating.
What is that emotion? I’m feeling really embarrassed. And so when you just allow, you’re like, “Okay, let’s just feel embarrassed. It’s okay to feel embarrassed. This is just part of human thank you emotions. Because emotions literally are telling our nervous system, are communicating to us that we are feeling a certain emotion so that we now have the ability to act within that.
So our bodies say, “This thought that you had”, this lady is – she’s saying something really negative about your quilt, you should be embarrassed. Okay, thank you, nervous system, thank you for letting me know because our bodies do react. And so you just allow it, you’re like, “Okay, this is my reaction to this woman, she’s saying words. This is how I’m reacting. I don’t have to make it mean anything about me. She can just say the words. It’s fine.” So that’s step number one, allow the discomfort.
Step number two. Look at your reasons for why you want whatever you want. So if you made a decision like I really want to quilt in Paducah. And you really want that, or I really want to quilt in the Modern Quilt Guild. You have a strong desire. I want you to really just focus on what is the reason that you want that. And I’m going to tell you, if you want to lose weight just so you can wear that black dress that you’ve been hanging in your closet for 30 years, that’s fine. If you want to wear your high school jeans again that you’ve been carrying around, that’s fine.
If you want to look kind of sassy, that’s okay. You don’t have to have a moral issue or moral good enough reason so that the stars will all align, and you will be granted that wish. No, you literally can create whatever you want. But when you have that and you know that reason of why you want that, that emotion, you go into that emotion, you tap into it and that is going to fuel you. So that desire is going to be so strong, it’s going to help you so much.
Alright, number three. We need to learn to be present with ourselves. We have been spending so much time buffering, so much time eating, and social media-ing, and blaming, and shaming, and all of those things that we’re not able to learn to be with ourselves and learn how to be our best version of ourselves. And one of the things that I want to say about this one is we have lots of decisions we have to make every day.
In fact sometimes we have decision fatigue. I can really be honest, especially around Christmastime, do we go to this person’s house, or do we do this, do we break COVID rules, or what are the current COVID rules? Are the COVID rules going to change? Are we going to make plans? There’s so much that’s going on.
But what I want to tell you and then we’re going to talk more about this in the 12 Days is that when we can learn to make a decision powerfully, we have so much more power back. Because one of the biggest things holding us back is we feel like a decision is going to be – it’s either right or wrong. And I want to tell you that every decision we make, there’s always going to be a pro and there’s always going to be a con.
So let’s say you were invited to your friends’ at Christmas but you were feeling nervous about COVID. So the pro of going there is that could connect with your friends. The con of going there is that you could feel nervous about COVID. So if you decide not to go, the pro would be you’d feel safe about being COVID friendly. But the con would be you would miss out on all the fun with your friend. So either way there’s going to be a pro and there’s always going to be a con both in either decision.
So one of the things that I want to encourage you to do is really know your reasons and do I like my reasons, and do they feel like love? Because you’re going to feel bad either way and so which one is going to serve you best? Which one is in alignment with your values and who you want to be? That’s all in your power.
But when we feel overwhelmed and we feel there’s only one decision, we get really immobilized and we get kind of frozen. And so we just quit and then we just give it up. And then we don’t have any power and then we go back into victim mode and all those kinds of things. And that’s like it starts with a little snowball and as it rolls down the mountain it just gets bigger, and bigger, and bigger. So instead of quitting I want you to just be present with yourself, make a decision and just have your back in that decision.
Okay, number four. One of the reasons we quit is because we think the decisions we make or actions we take we have to deserve things, or we have to earn things. But I want to tell you that your worth is already set. Your value is already there. So we don’t have to quit on ourselves. We just embrace that we’re a human having a human experience. It’s wonderful.
Okay, number five, compassion, and love. So compassion is the greatest healing bomb. Now, this is a worksheet that I have in my Love Yourself Thin program that I want to share with you because it’s also part of my Perfection Recovery program. So this, I’m going to leave with you 10 steps of creating more compassion in your life. So, one is how does it make total sense that you did the thing you did, you thought the thing you thought, you felt the way you felt, and you had that model? How does that make sense?
Number two, you did the thing, or you had that model, or you felt that way and that’s okay. Number three, of course you have that model, of course you created that result, and of course you did that thing, of course you felt that way. Number four, it was totally supposed to happen that way. Number five, there is nothing wrong with you. Number six, what you did or didn’t do has nothing to do with whether you have the capacity to do something new. Number seven, we can always begin again in each moment.
Number eight, what if what I’m thinking right now isn’t even true? Number nine, in what way is this for me? And number ten, how can I be with myself rather than against myself in this situation?
And I got these questions from Cultivate Margin. But these I really feel have encompassed so much of how we can just have compassion with ourselves, rather than just turning away when we’re uncomfortable and just quitting on ourselves. So going back to this concept of quitting, when we quit, we just simply stop our ability to progress.
So it’s like we’re in a car and we decide I’m not going to put gas in my car anymore. And I’m just going to see how far it goes. And then once it’s done it’s done, it’s over. That’s what quitting does, it just keeps us on the side of the road not progressing. We’re not going backwards and so we’re again being like we’re just programming ourselves like a robot.
So thank you so much for joining me on this episode. I really want to encourage you to just spend some time after you listen to these podcasts, just really let your brain kind of mull these thoughts around. And allow yourself the opportunity for growth. And in order to do that you have to stop quitting on yourself. You have to give yourself opportunity to just be open to all the possibilities that are out there.
So again when we quit, we stop trying to figure out where we went wrong, where we missed out. When we quit, we stop progressing. There are some things we want to stop progressing in. We want to quit diets. We want to quit grinding our teeth. We want to quit things that don’t serve us. But what we want to do is we want to stop quitting on ourselves with our own ability to change. And so this episode, those five steps are going to be really, really helpful for you. If you want to dive deeper into this of course join us for the 12 Days of Christmas.
If Christmas is over and you’re really interested and you want to keep doing this work, check out my Love Yourself Thin lifetime membership group program. And you will find courses like the 12 Days of Christmas and all sorts of extra, on top of my 12 modules all there. It truly is a treasure trove.
Alright, thank you so much for joining me. I can’t wait to connect with you in the next podcast. I always love to hear back from you. And always looking for fun suggestions, I just got a really good one the other day that I will be working on for future episodes. Alright, take care everyone, bye bye.
If you’ve been enjoying these tools that I’ve been sharing in my podcast I have a surprise for you. I have a five day training that tells you all the foods you should eat, why you should eat them. I tell you about the weight loss science. And there are women who have lost 20, 30 pounds just from my free training. And so if you go over to my website, daratomasson.com and sign up for my email list you will get that training every day for the next five days.
And not only do you get the free training but being on my email list helps you get all of the first dibs on all the exciting things happening in the Love Yourself Thin community. There will be special bonuses that aren’t available otherwise. So if you want to learn how to continue getting success, I invite you to hop over to daratomasson.com and register for my email list where you will get that free training. And I can’t wait to see how it’s going to help you as you continue to learn how to love yourself thin.
Thanks for listening to Weight Loss for Quilters. If you want more info, please visit daratomasson.com. See you next week.