Are you  frustrated with how you quit on yourself when things don’t go well?  You find yourself in the pantry or online shopping. Or the clock is now 11:30 and you just have been scrolling for the last 45 minutes. You don’t even know where the time went. Well, if that’s you, you’re not alone. 

This episode is perfect for you on how you can overcome some of these obstacles. That you don’t even really understand what’s happening because it’s such a subconscious pattern.  My name is Dara Tomasson and I am a life coach. Who helps women take care of the mental tangles and frustrations so that we can get to the root of the issue. 

Then your physical health improves. You’re not turning to food all the time.  And you truly are creating the kind of life and the kind of body that you want to have no matter what age and stage you are in life. This is episode 150 of love yourself, thin podcasts, weight, loss, and rejection. 150 episodes, ladies. That’s amazing. 

I am the queen of my podcast. 150 episodes. I’m so proud of myself and I’m so proud of the team that I have. I’ve had several people working on my podcast over the years. Can’t believe I can say that.  I’m so proud of this podcast. Apparently it’s rated in the top 2% of all podcasts. That’s fun. Last year was in the top 5%. 

I love hearing from people who join my program and they already know so much.  Then they are, oh, so delighted when they come in the program because they realize, this is what we get to actually like hardcore, let’s get this work done.  It’s really fun. 

I’m so glad you’re here.  I will start off my podcast this year 2024. I’m starting off with sharing the ripple effects of what happens with the people who are in my program. For a hundred and 50th episodes. Today’s June 5th that you’re listening to this. 

One of the members in the membership. she actually shared this with me three weeks ago.  She’s allowed to put three quilts in her local fair. She has all the quilts made and quilted. 

She just needs to put on the binding. She doesn’t even have to put a sleeve on because they don’t have to in this quilt show, but she’s never been this far ahead. She’s never been this organized and she is so thrilled. The reason why this affects everybody else is she lives in a house of three generations. 

So she lives with her mother and her daughter. But because she’s so ahead of her schedule. She is  not stressing out. 

She’s not snippy because she really is prioritizing herself. It’s really great. So, so happy for her and so happy for her household. It’s a much happier place. So today’s episode. Is something that I’ve kind of touched on in the past podcasts. But I have been noticing this has been coming up  as I, when we talk about rejection. 

My first public school teaching job, I taught grade four, five, and six. I had three grades in one classroom, but if you’ve ever been in a classroom in the last, I don’t know, 30, 40 years. Just because you’re in grade four, doesn’t mean you’re operating from a grade four perspective.

I had kids that could barely read. I had a huge spectrum of kids and their abilities.

When you think about reading.  At the beginning, you need to know that the letters, when they’d be squiggly things, they all represent different sounds.  Then those sounds sometimes change and then they have like letter pals. So if you put a T and an H together that makes a whole different sound or a C and an H together or S and an H. 

We have all of these differences. codes that we have to decipher and figure out. The more that you can get into that, the more that you grow and develop. As we progressed as humans, It’s the same thing.  When I first started my coaching business I  I was just this beginner. 

Now that I burned my business for three and a half years. I have a team. I have different challenges. I have different things that I’m, I’m always working through.  Rejection is a very interesting concept and I have cited  in the show notes, there’s some. There’s quite a bit of work actually done on our hormones and how our hormones are affected by rejection.  And this, this whole concept came to me when I was reading the book. Rejection proof. it’s such a fascinating book to me and it really reinforced what we now know about our wiring as humans.  I’m going to bring this together.  Especially if you look at the worksheet, there’s actually another, it’s another double pager.  I want to, I have a lot of different thoughts about rejection that I want to share with you. The first thing I want to share is when you lose weight,  especially when you lose weight from a unconventional way.  My way of my approach to weight loss is that the more that you love yourself, the more that you respect yourself, the more that you have kindness and compassion. The more that you prioritize yourself. Weight loss becomes the side effect.

I’m not a huge proponent of counting calories or tracking steps it’s just not necessary. I’ve had some women join my program. They’re like, no, no, no. I’m just going to keep doing that. And I’m like, well,  Not really important. It doesn’t really matter. And they’re not going to, they don’t have the success because they don’t. Walk into their own shoes. 

Like they don’t become their own expert because the thing is, we know what we know what foods work for us and what don’t like. We know that if we eat a lot of chocolate or chips or ice cream, and we know if we’re eating, we’re leaving the table feeling staffed and gross. We know that we’re just going to gain weight. We don’t have a knowledge problem, but what my, what we really, what really makes me different. 

The reason why my program is so life changing is because we’re finally getting to the root of the problem now the issue is we can be rejected by people. I  have friends  that  are  no longer my friends because I’ve lost weight. Because the problem is a lot of our friendship was based on whining and complaining about weight loss. This book I read when women stop hating their bodies.

It’s written by Jane Hirschmann and Carol mentor. Published in 1995. They talk about fat language. They talk about how we learn at a young age to speak. Fat just like we speak English or speak French or whatever that is. 

A teacher told us that she was waiting in the wings with a group of 11 year old girls on the opening night of a play. They had been rehearsing for weeks as they were listening nervously to the overture. I heard one of them. This is what the teacher said to the friend. I feel so fat.  No, her friend responded, you look great, but look how big my stomach is.  

They were terribly anxious and I, the teacher, realized that they’ve already learned to do what all of us do. They talk about their bodies instead of their anxiety.   Very soon, many of these 11 year old girls who secretly wish to be in the spotlight will go on diets and attempt to make themselves smaller. 

Look at me, don’t look at me. The paradox of young girlhood. The statement. I feel fat is never really about fat. Even if you are a fat person. Each time a woman looks at her thighs and says, yuck, she’s really saying there’s something wrong with me. Or with that? What I’m feeling. We turn our bodies into metaphors for all of our bad feelings and we find confirmation. For doing so everywhere we look. So having said that the problem is we don’t know how to articulate our feelings.  Let’s go back to rejection.  When we don’t know how to talk about our feelings or work through our feelings,  We don’t feel like we’re at ease with ourselves. 

We’re basically rejecting these negative emotions and we don’t know how to deal with it. when I was in life coach school training, one of the training that I received. There was. This idea of rejection. A list and, and using that list of rejection as muscle training. 

There was one of the mentors that she had, and I apologize I’m not sure who exactly it was. But he had them write a list. Keep a running tally of all their rejections and the more like the longer the list, the better. Because what it was doing was it’s helping you to be more resilient and it taught you that it’s totally fine to be rejected. 

It’s totally fine to have them say. That’s not a good fit because the more that you can, the longer the list, the more data that you have and the more. More information that you have and so you can become more empowered.  On the handout here, and those who are listening, I just have 10, just write down 10 things.

And then the more no’s, the more yeses that will come. You can learn from that. I had an experience recently where I was on Instagram and this person came on and she was sharing about. Her weight gain and how she had gone.  She went to Mexico and she got gastric bypass surgery, and I think she lost 75 pounds.  But the problem was that she was on the live show and she was sharing how stressed she is about being able to keep that weight off and how she was feeling like she had to give herself a lot of ultimatums and she had to Be really strict with herself. 

The way that she was talking was very difficult for me to listen to. So I just said,  it sounds like you’re being really mean to yourself.  She didn’t want to hear it.  In fact, she said, I’m really triggered by you.  I felt terrible because I do not ever want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I don’t want to, but I don’t want to make people’s lives worse. I could just see this pattern of if you talk to yourself that way, and if you keep that relationship so negative. It’s just going to make it worse and worse. 

That was really hard for me.  I felt very scared and nervous and I felt like, I really had to hold my tongue, that I had to be really careful and that that’s not. That’s not how I’m going to help people. That’s not, I’m going to serve people. One of the things that I want to share with you is like, if.  I’m not going to be for everybody. 

You’re not going to be good for everybody. So those friends that I was telling you that I had, that aren’t really my friends anymore, because now I’ve lost this weight and it’s easy for me. I don’t. I don’t stress out about it. Like today I was up a little bit on the scale. I wasn’t worried. 

I thought, oh, it’s okay. We’re just gonna keep doing what we know what to do. Our body just naturally. You know, sometimes we go up, sometimes we go down, it’s just normal. . So they are not rejecting me per se. But they just don’t think that friendship was based on a kind of fat talk, right? 

Like those girls. Another example I had was working on a TV. Producing a TV show. And I, I hired. Videographer, I hired an editor. And it was rejected. I had five episodes made. I paid a lot of money for it.  You’re really good on camera. I, we could see a lot of potential, but the way that it’s done all of that, it’s not good enough. That was obviously tough to, to, to work through. But when those experiences happen I want to offer to you that you can make a choice. Now. In this book, rejection proof. 

He has this crazy concept of just going up to people, like he went up to a security guard and said, can I have a hundred dollars. He went up to Krispy Kreme and asked them to make donuts with them, like the Olympic D limpic rings.  And he did. He went out to some guy’s house, knocked on the door and said, can I plant this plant in your backyard? 

Like just crazy things as the pilot. If he could fly the plane. And asked McDonald’s I can’t remember exactly. As if he asked McDonald’s for a big Mac or sorry, McDonald’s for a Whopper or a big Mac. , he did crazy things that would, that clearly are very easy for people to get rejected.  There’s the three premises of his book. 

The first one is rejection is a powerful tool for personal growth and can help us overcome fear and develop resilience. Number two, by embracing rejection and seeking it out. We can expand our comfort zones and increase our chances of success. Number three, the ability to handle rejection is a skill that can be learned and developed leading to a greater confidence and a willingness to pursue our dreams.  Lastly, maintaining a mindset. 

This is one of the things that I am. Absolutely amazing at. I mean a mindset of curiosity. Open-mindedness is essential. Curiosity was one of my greatest tools and continues to be one of my greatest tools of losing the weight and keeping it off and building this business that I have. Actively seeking out new experiences, embracing diversity and cultivating a willingness to step outside one’s comfort zone can lead to personal growth and decrease in PR and fear of rejection. This mindsets allows for a more adventurous and fulfilled life, as well as various opportunities that may arise from unexpected places. This is a summary that I found online that I thought, oh, it captured it really well now by implementing these detailed actions into daily life, you can gradually overcome the fear of rejection. 

Embrace the possibilities that lie behind beyond it. So last week when I was at H and H in Chicago. There was definitely an opportunity for people to come up to me and say, why are you talking about weight loss at a quilt show? This is for professional quilters. I’m, I was prepared for that because I am a professional quilter and I do have my book that I sell. But I also help quilters N creatives, whoever resonates with what I’m saying to overcome their obstacles so that they could become more creative. 

They can spend more time doing what they love. I have embraced it. I am a mindset coach because really when you look at it, I’m not necessarily per se a weight loss because you become your own. Expert at weight loss. I teach you the basic science, but essentially what I’m doing is I’m teaching you tools to help you overcome your own obstacles because I help you. With the neuroscience, right? 

The thinking problem. We don’t have knowledge problems. We have thinking problems I was prepared that people can, and people still can do that. There are some shows that I applied for and they say, no, we don’t want you to talk about life coaching. So no, you can’t come to our quilt show.  

This is not the right fit. As I continue to explain this concept of rejection, the keys lie, and consistently pushing boundaries. Reframing rejection, practicing empathy, embracing vulnerability, building resilience, and maintaining curiosity. Through these actions, one can cultivate a mindset that not only welcomes rejection, but also uses it as a catalyst for personal growth. Fulfillment and increased confidence. The reason I called the members in my program, brave hearts. Is because they are finally. Looking at. These underlying issues. I could call myself a perfectionist coach. 

I could call myself a people pleasing coach. I could call myself a procrastinating coast coach. I could call myself a buffering, spend too much money on fabric coach or watch too much Instagram coach. I, those are all the things that you can overcome when you learn these tools.  What I, when I first say is, Hey, listen. You have this extra weight on your body because you have not figured out how to speak the language of emotion.  Just like those girls that were super uncomfortable, we have been learning subconsciously since 10. Nine, whatever age to feel uncomfortable in our skin, because we have not learned to feel our feelings. We procrastinate. 

We become perfectionist. We people please, like we do all these things. Because we don’t know how to learn, how to feel our feelings and work through it.

I want you to learn how to turn to yourself. Instead of learning to turn to food. Or perfectionism or reels or whatever that is.  That is my goal.  That is why I’m so glad you’re here on this podcast. I couldn’t be happier. Honestly, it is, it brings me so much joy. It’s why this is a seven o’clock on a Friday night.  I’m doing this because I want to make sure that I have these ideas. 

They’ve been percolating and I’m like, okay, I got to make sure that my team gets this, that I can get this out there in the world. That you can, you can know these things.

I will never forget how powerful and how eternally grateful I am.  To Jody Moore and Brooke Castillo. Who put out these podcasts.  I just, it was a sponge. I thought I can’t believe that I can change the way that I’m, that I’m thinking and the way that I’m acting.  The fact that I now have a lifetime membership of women. As I’m recording this over 130 women. I have that privilege and honor of being their coach. 

This is amazing.  I’ve created all of this with my brain. I could all of this with the tools that I teach you in my program.  I’m just going to share some quotes before I say goodbye, because this is.  Your walk is almost over I’m sure. Or whatever you’re working on.  The more rejection you face, the more desensitize yourself to it, making it easier to make risks and pursue your dreams. Ah, amen.  Amen.  Rejection is not a reflection. Of your worth, but a reflection of other person’s preferences, biases, or circumstances. 

That’s the one thing I’m going to teach you.  Your worth is already set. By facing rejection, we gain a better understanding of ourselves and what we truly want. Rejection is an opinion and opinions can be changed. Nobody can reject you without your permission.  Thank you. Jia Jiang I’m not sure if I’m saying his name right. 

It’s just such an interesting book. It’s such an interesting concept. It goes against our wiring as humans. We need to learn how to create that safety for ourselves. Especially when it comes to weight loss. So physical, our physical, we need to have that physical safety. We need to change the pattern

The more that you learn on this podcast and the more that you can get help. Implementing it and building this new, these new neural pathways and these new ways of doing things. The happier, healthier and more satisfied your life is going to be. 

When you join my program I’m like never going to apologize to invite you because  see it every day. I see it every day with myself. I see it every day with the members of my program. How different their lives are. Are literally saving their own lives. I have a member who had cancer and she has lost like 80 pounds. Having lost that 80 pounds that longevity for her, the chances for us.  Her recovery is just so much better. 

You don’t take this however you’re feeling right now. Don’t take it lightly. If you’re feeling compelled. Go for it .Now in the month of June we are taking a really deep dive into menopause. We have guest experts that are teaching us about menopause and what it feels like to be in a menopausal. So I have a cancer survivor at,  she’s a board certified nutritionist and she’s going to talk all about the kinds of foods that we should eat. I have other experts that are coming. This is an amazing time for you.  Then in the month of July, we’re going to be working on how to become your own bestie. Like truly becoming your own best friend. And then in August, we’re working on how to lose two pounds every week in August. 

It’s amazing. There’s so much to look forward to. There’s so much to learn and to grow and develop. I have my brand new modules that are amazing. I’m getting such good feedback from them. And I also have my 9 1, 1 how to guide in within the program.  If you’re feeling like panic or you’re not feeling like you’re on the right track, I have these modules that like, Little videos that will help you to get back on track. 

It’s like a first aid kit. To help you there’s so much there and I’m so happy to be a part of that. All right. Take care, everyone. Bye.