#82: Weight Loss and Being Selfish on Purpose

82. Weight Loss and Being Selfish on Purpose

Do you feel like trying to improve your mental and physical weight is selfish? Well, guess what? Today’s episode is going to be all about being selfish on purpose in the most healthy, happiest way that will help you lose mental and physical weight. Are you ready for today’s episode? Let’s dive in. I’m Dara Tomasson and this is episode 82, Weight Loss and Being Selfish on Purpose.

Okay, so how often do semantics affect your success? So when I’m teaching free motion quilting and I’m teaching how to make a feather, I will draw the shape onto the board and I will say, what is this shape? And so some women will say, oh, it’s a teardrop. And some people will say it’s a paisley. And some people will say it’s half a heart. And there’s lots of different ways of you looking at that shape. And however your brain sees it, it’s going to make so much more sense. If I’m saying it’s half a heart and someone can’t relate to that, when they’re trying to learn feathers, they’re like half a heart, this doesn’t make sense. Or a paisley, ah, paisleys that’s like you know, seventies or whatever. But if you’re like, oh, that’s a teardrop, I totally see that’s a teardrop. Then when you’re doing it, it seems so much easier. And so today, I kind of used being selfish on purpose to help you to look at something in a kind of a fresh way. I took you back a little bit, you’re like, no, selfish is wrong. But today’s episode I’m gonna talk about the importance of taking care of yourself and really looking at what does selfish mean. 

So, and we have had episodes on this before, but today we’re really gonna go into how you spend your time and the effect of the importance of being creative. There is so much research about being creative. So you can expect for this episode, you’re going to learn about like how you’re spending your time, how that time is not helping you, how to overcome those obstacles and how creativity is actually a really wonderful way to take care of yourself. It’s true self-care. And so the tool for today’s podcast is self-care is actually not selfish. And I want to help you to create a new understanding of what self-care is because it’s not just getting your fingernails painted or going to get a drink with a friend. Okay?  It’s a lot more than that. 

All right. So before we go into it too far, I do wanna share a win from one of the members in my membership. Actually she’s in my membership and she’s also one of my one-on-one clients. And she used to, before she’d go to bed, she would really worry about having a heart attack or a stroke in the middle of the night. And now that she has these tools and now that she has a supportive community and she’s been seeing all these other women who have had tremendous success and who keep showing up, she doesn’t worry about that anymore. She doesn’t worry about having that heart attack and that stroke. And she has so much better sleep. She has a lot more energy because her brain is not being used to always worry about having a stroke or heart attack. And so it’s been really fun to see that new energy that she has.

All right, so let’s go into the heart of this podcast. Now, being selfish, there’s a lot of misunderstandings and I think part of our programming as, as women. And a lot of it, of course, is the way that your mother talked about being selfish or what that meant, and the example that we saw growing up. I have another client where her mom just did everything for everyone all the time, and she died quite young because she didn’t take care of herself physically. So she was overweight. She didn’t have good health. And she didn’t have good mental health because she was constantly doing everything for everyone else. And so she wasn’t able to really take care of herself, even though she was very religious and talked about God all the time.  It’s like the women at the well, like well you can drink physical water, but if you don’t have that spiritual water, then you’ll be lacking. And so, I understand that it is tricky and I, you know, I grew up in a household where it was like you just constantly were doing things. You never sat down. My mom never watched tv. While we were at school all day, she was working, working, working. Which is fine, but I never saw rest modeled. I never saw that as a value. And so it was kind of confusing to me. I didn’t really know what that meant. 

And that can mean a lot of things. It can mean like, if you’re a workaholic, you just don’t know how to be with yourself. You get your value from other people. You get your value from a to-do list. It’s actually not necessarily very healthy, but sitting and watching TV all day isn’t either. So it’s really confusing out there of what selfish really means. And so this episode is asking you what does love look like? And this episode’s coming out just a day after Valentine’s Day. 

So what does real love look like? Does it look like putting yourself last? Does it look like only using food for temporary pleasure, but having to pay the price with your health? Does love look like not making time for the things that you want to do? Does love look like being resentful when you drive your kids all over the place? Does love look like, you know, you get praise from others that you don’t even believe them anyway? Like, what does love look like? Does love look like making yourself a healthy salad and sitting and just resting? Does love look like being outside when it’s sunny and soaking in that sun. Does love look like going in the car and putting on a heated seats and putting on a fun song? Does love look like putting on, I like this… I love, sometimes at the beginning of our calls I’ll put on like a fun song and I’ll just be like, all right ladies, let’s move our bodies. Like, is that what that looks like? Does love look like hiring someone to clean your house? Because it’s something you are really tired of doing. Does love look like getting someone to do your groceries for you if you don’t love groceries? Like what does love look like? Does love look like getting rid of a lot of fabrics so that you feel less burdened? What does that love look like for you? 

And this is the most beautiful thing, everyone, we are all unique and different. We do not go on Pinterest, we do not go on a Google search and say, what does love look like? Because love for some people is having chickens. Love for some people is cleaning. Love for some people is organizing their house. Love for some people is sitting in a hot tub. I love sitting in my hot tub. Some people think, ah, so gross. My brother actually, he was like, oh, gross. Dara, why would you wanna do that? I’m like, oh my gosh. I love it. I love it. I love, love, love it. Right? That is one of my favorite things to do every day.

Okay, so what does love look like for you?  In the month of January in my free Facebook group and in My Love Yourself Thin program, I ask the question, what? What do you really, really, really, really, really want and why? And what impact will that have on your life?  And I will link that free Facebook group in the show notes. But it’s been really interesting to watch the people there when they ask themselves, what do you really, really, really, really want? Do you really, really, really want to sit in an airplane and feel like you can do up the seatbelt and you’re not filling up other people’s seats? Do you really, really, really want to play on the floor with your grandkids or do you, or no? Right? But that’s up to you and I want you to ask yourself that question. 

Okay. So let’s go into being creative. And I, I kind of debated about the title of this podcast because in my YouTube channel in January we talked about creating spaces. And so I’m gonna just share a little bit about how you create, so the tool is self-care is prioritizing yourself in meaningful ways so you can learn to create true balance. And on the worksheet, I have a little space there on what the tool is. And so the tool is, self-care is not selfish. And when you prioritize yourself, you create balance. So I’m gonna just share some examples because of course, as a mom of five kids and my husband worked a lot, and we lived in lots of different places. And sometimes we lived in like really, really small places. Sometimes we lived in really, really big places. But when I was you know, alone with five kids, I didn’t have the opportunity to go to guilds as often or to be involved with that.

And so here are some strategies, here’s some tips, but before I share that, I do wanna iterate the importance of the health benefits of being creative. And these are just, you can do a Google search. But I wanna remind you, when you are being creative, it’s like that rhythmic, so whether you’re knitting or you’re arranging flowers, or you are quilting like I do, I just started doing more hand stitching. That systematic rhythmic motion is very therapeutic for your body. It’s very calming. Just like with a baby and you hold them tight and you say, sh, sh, sh, sh, sh, and you kind of rock them. It’s like mimicking the heartbeat. Okay? So it’s very primal, it’s that safety. So when they were in the womb, that is what they felt. That is what they heard. They heard that rhythm of the heartbeat. Okay? So when you’re being creative and you’re in that zone of like, so like the knitting or the crocheting or the hand stitching or hearing the buzz of the sewing machine, or feeling the iron glide along the fabric or that repetition of that cutting, or the chain piecing. That is soothing. It’s like I live on Vancouver Island and we go on the ferry if we wanna leave the mainland, go to the mainland. And sometimes when I’m on the ferry, I just feel like I’m being rocked like a baby. It’s amazing. I just let myself just kind of rock and it feels so awesome. Right? That’s why some people just love rocking chairs.

Okay. And so that inner rhythm, that heartbeat is so helpful, that methodical. It also creates reliability, predictability, and it frees up your mind. So when I am now free motion quilting, and I’m standing at my long arm, or I’m sitting at my machine, there is this absolute, like a calming effect on my heart. It’s like, beginning no way, right? Like it was like, ah, this is so stressful. But that’s why I teach you how to doodle first. But once you start getting that rhythm, just like cursive writing or even printing, once you get that, it just starts to flow. And so this is what I teach in the weight loss too. It’s like when you learn to feel so good in your body because you’ve eaten well, when your kids are, like my son last night was, he brought out the ice cream. And I was like, yeah, I don’t need that. I’m here like, just like enjoying listening to our audiobook and just being with him. I don’t even need that bite, cuz I know I’ll feel gross. Right? So it’s just like that predictability is like, I know how to take care of myself. And that trust, that creates a feeling of reliability and predictability and it frees up our mind. 

And then the other thing I thought about was we all have this inner thermometer. It’s like our body’s always trying to find that happy medium and if we are off kilter, so if we’re doing a lot more people pleasing, if we’re doing a lot of procrastinating, if we’re doing a lot of failing ahead of time, if we’re doing a lot of like fear and living out of fear and not grounding ourself, not breathing and saying, it’s okay. We’re all right. We’re doing something new. It’s okay that our inner thermometer is off. And you know, one of the things about menopause is when we have these hot flashes, a lot of that is caused by guilt or shame. And so it’s been interesting lately I’ve  been having these hot flashes and I don’t really call them hot flashes. I’m like, oh, interesting my body temperature is feeling out of rhythm. It’s wanting me to pay attention  to my thoughts. And this is my theory and from my own research, I’m not a doctor, but that has been my experience and I’m able to calm and I’m able to pay attention because whenever, when our body has pain or alerts us, it’s because we aren’t in balance. And so that is one of my ways of knowing, okay, you need to take a deep breath. You need to like center yourself. 

Okay, so here are some of the things that I do in my life to find that inner balance, that inner thermometer to feel more. So I have a pouch that has hand work. Now, if you follow me on Instagram, you see that I post pictures of basketball. So I currently have three children living at home. My oldest son is gone serving a church service mission. My daughter’s at university and I have three boys and they all play basketball. Two are on teams. One, he just gets to play with them when they play, but one’s on the seniors and one’s on the grade eight, and it’s a really heavy time right now. And so to get creative time during the day after my work, I, I struggle because I don’t have that time. I’m on the road, I’m at the basketball games, I’m at the practices.

And so I have this pouch. Actually, one of my clients Sue Blair, gave it to me. It’s awesome. It looks like a pencil case basically. And I have about 10 little projects. I’m making these Christmas ornaments and I have four or five flosses of thread. I’ve got my little tiny scissors, they’re adorable. And then I have a package of needles and I just pull that out. And it’s definitely helped me not be so upset with Refs during basketball games. It’s very calming. Another thing that really helps you is decluttering. And I know that’s a really tricky one, but one of the things that I have found that’s helped me declutter is that I look for people who are doing good things and they would really benefit. So I have a friend who loves to make, she made thousands of masks. So I gave her a whole bunch of fabric and now she’s starting to make more and more quilts and then she posts them on Facebook and it makes me so happy to see my fabric. And so it’s very encouraging for me to give her more. And so as I look through my things, I think, okay, am I really gonna use this? And if I am, when will I use it? Like in 10 years, five years? And if not, I’m just gonna keep giving them to her. So that’s really helpful. 

So decluttering and then finding systems. One of my systems that works really well is I have my quilting cottons in baskets that I got at Dollar-rama. They’re super cute. You can go on my website, you’ll see them. They’re white kind of wicker weave kind of basket. They’re all the same. So that for my brain, I really like that. They hold quite a bit and I have them sorted by color. And so it helps me sort it. And so that’s been really good. And then I also keep my backings in like a Rubbermaid tote and it’s labeled and it’s in a certain place in the garage. And then I have all of my flannels in clear totes and they’re all in the crawlspace. And so I always know where they are and I’ve kind of grouped them in like colors or like themes. And then I also have all my unfinished projects. They’re also in those totes and they’re downstairs as well. And then I have my minky. So I have this, like, this storage, this system. And so in my mind it’s very clean, it’s very organized. I also have my thread organized and I have my other things. In my free motion, quilting, my very beginning book, I do have like little workouts, like two to three minute workouts of how you can approach cleaning up your studio. So like, let’s get all your threads out. Let’s organize ’em this way. Let’s get all your needles out and let’s organize them. And so one of the biggest problems is when we feel overwhelmed, it leads to inaction. And so when we can just break things down, it’s a great way of taking care of yourself and finding that balance. 

Another tool that I use, there’s a psychological term and it’s called confirmation bias. And confirmation bias is when you’re looking for evidence for something, your brain is gonna find it. So the other day I was talking to my friend and I was doing this challenge. And I said, oh, I really like it. And she’s this really talented person and she’s so great. And my friend was like, oh my goodness. This is like the third time I’ve heard this person’s name in the last two days. And it’s because your brain is now looking for evidence of it. Like I’m sure before people had said this person’s name, but because she hadn’t paid attention to it or hadn’t like alerted to it her brain was like, doesn’t matter. It’s not important information. But because she was looking for it, of course, now it’s like popping up everywhere. 

And one of the things that you probably have been doing that hasn’t helped you, especially when it comes to weight loss or being productive or being creative, is that you’re looking for all the evidence and all the reasons why you can’t do things. And so you’re like, no, I can’t finish that project because I’m terrible at free motion quilting. Or, no, I can’t finish that project because look at the first few blocks, I didn’t get my seams very well, or I looked at this other person’s and it’s way better, or this other person is so much faster than me, I could never finished this. Right? So if your brain is always focusing on why you can’t be successful, then it will come up with all the reasons why you can’t. And that is no fun. And it’s also not giving you a fair chance. It really isn’t. When you’re looking for evidence of why it’s awesome, you’re gonna have so much more fun. You’re like, oh, look at me. I have so much… So instead of saying, I have so much fabric, what am I gonna do? You’re like, I have so much fabric I have so many possibilities. I can use it, I can give it away. I can find new systems for it. I can figure it out. I’m so abundant. I have so much fabric. I can do a challenge where I start using my fabric or whatever you choose. But it’s the attitude. 

Another one is being aware of the compare and despair. And so when you’re aware, you’re like, oh, that’s how I feel when I compare and despair. I don’t wanna be that person. So that is something that I have worked on to help me have more of a balance in my creative space and in my creative practice. Also, of course, in my weight loss as well.

And then the last one I’m gonna share, and this kind of went to what I was saying before, was grounding yourself. And that sounds like really kind of yoga-e or, something, but it’s actually what we have been doing forever. We just have different names for it. Some people call it meditating, some of it calling like centering yourself. But I’m just gonna walk you through a little exercise to how to do this because when we’re creative, like going back to those reasons, you know, we have that inner rhythm, we have that methodical, that reliability, that predictability, it frees up our mind, it allows us to get into the flow, it allows us to find our own voice, we can have our own creative journey, and we don’t have to compare it to other people. We can create joy. I mean, think about little kids. Think about how much fun they have. 

And in fact, on the second page of the handout I said, there’s so many benefits that being creative has for you. And the problem is children are not spending their time being creative. They have an overdependence on screens. It actually hurts me when I see little kids in the grocery cart being on a phone. I want to go to those parents and say, please don’t do that. Please don’t do that. But that’s not my job. Even like in our car driving, I never let my kids have screens in there. I’m like, this is our chance to talk. This is our chance. And I like, make my kids do the dishes. We work in the kitchen together. Like I just am really adamant about making those connections and having that creativity. And so these kids, their IQs are being lowered because not only are they on screens, but of course of covid and not having those physical cues and understanding those. But I want you to ask yourself, are you falling into that trap as well? Are you lulling yourself off with screens or are you like being energized by your own creativity and creating your own, the kind of results that you want. And is not a place of judgment, but it’s a place of introspection and taking personal responsibility for yourself. So the next part of the handout is let’s commit to our mental and physical health now. 

So what are you going to change today that will help you create new habits of being more healthy? So there are lots of ideas. So one could be, I’m going to just take one bin in my sewing area and I’m just gonna clean it out. I’m just gonna get all my thread and I’m just gonna throw away any thread that… or give it away that I know I’m not gonna use. Like, it could just be something really simple like that. It could be, I’m just gonna drink water. I’m gonna drink like maybe three glasses of water. I’m going to just be aware. I’m gonna breathe. I’m gonna center myself. So this is the activity I’m gonna do with you in just a moment, but I’m gonna center myself. I’m gonna get grounded. I’m going to whatever that is. I want you to commit to something that’s gonna help you with your mental and physical health. Even you could do something simple like, I listened to this podcast. Way to go, me. Right? Or you could print this off and then you could actually fill it in, right? Like you could listen to another podcast and print another one off. You could book a call with me and you could talk to me about what’s going on. I have the question at the end of the handout that says, if you could ask Dara anything right now, what would it be? So what would that question be? What would that conversation look like? 

All right. So just to close my podcast, I know I’ve talked about a lot of different things today. But just to end it off, I really want you to be… it’s almost like I don’t know if you ever watched the show, the Matrix. People would like plug into the matrix. I want you to plug into the life that you really want to have. And I want you to think about why am I not having that life that I really wanna have? And the only way that you can really change that is by putting your mind and attention to that, okay? That’s what we talk about, mindset. Mindset is thinking about your thinking. 

So we’re gonna close with this exercise, so for you to do it, It might sound a little hokey, but please to stay with me. This has made such a difference for so many women and men all around the world. People have been doing this for centuries. Okay so if you are sewing or if you’re walking, or if you’re folding laundry, or if you’re driving, if you can put this on pause and you can do this when you can actually just sit, or even if you’re, you can just kind of be a little bit more relaxed. So I want you to just listen to my voice and I want you to just roll your shoulders back and maybe kind of move them up and down, just kind of stretch your back a little bit and just kinda loosen up. Maybe you might wanna move your head a little bit. Kind of put your ears on either side of your shoulders. Not obviously right on your shoulders, but just back and forth. Roll your shoulders and then just take a breath in through your nose. And I want you to imagine your lungs filling up like a balloon, okay? And just fill it up. Fill it up, fill it up, breathe it in, and then hold it a little bit. And then just release. Just slowly, and I want you to imagine like it’s like a balloon and you’re blowing it all out and there’s like, you don’t want any more air in there. And then you’re gonna breathe it in again, fill in your lungs. And once you feel like they’re filled, I want you to take one more fill up of your lungs, and then fill up it again. Fill it up one more time and now slowly and almost make your lips like a circle and let it out slowly. Like the air in your tires. Just let it all out. And we’re gonna do one more breath. 

Okay. And let it all out. So just squaring, just kind of like rotating your shoulders and filling up your lungs. Three really good times, how do you feel right now? How different does your body feel? All right, so now I want you just, if you haven’t already, I want your feet to just be flat on the ground, roll your shoulders one more time and gimme one more breath. Focusing on your breathing. And then release. And as you’re doing this breathing, I want you to look around and say, okay, I’m in my home, or I’m in my car. I’m safe. I’m learning about finding more balance. I’m learning how important it is to be creative, and I’m learning that when I improve my mental and physical health, I’m gonna just have more fun in life. Anything like that. Just whatever thoughts are coming to you. But I want you to create safety for yourself and just centering yourself where you’re at. If you don’t have time to like take these like breaths or you feel like that, one of the things that I do is I just put my tongue on the back of my front teeth and I just put them there and I kind of press it and I, I just give myself some love and be like, I love that I’m like thinking about my thinking. I love that I’m not like reacting to other people all the time. I love that I’m really becoming someone who is in charge of her own life and she’s not people pleasing all the time, and I love that I don’t have my worth has anything to do with my weight. I love that I’m like, really stepping into someone. And just by putting my tongue on the back of my two teeth and just giving myself an opportunity to say like, something I love about myself or something that I appreciate about myself. It was hard to say you love yourself. Just be like, I appreciate that I’m, that I’m slowing things down and that I’m, that I’m not always turning to food for my comfort, but I’m actually becoming my own best friend. I love that. I love that. I’m working on. Okay. 

I really wanna hear your feedback on this podcast. Being creative is so important. Learning how to listen to your inner rhythm and to have that inner thermometer taking responsibility for yourself and having that self-care, it’s what’s gonna make the difference for you. I’m so glad you joined me here. I want to talk to you, so make sure that anything that’s coming up for you, you can grab one of my spots of meeting with me and asking me any questions and I can give you some coaching and then we can talk about if Love Yourself Thin is the right fit. I do have a few  spaces for one-on-one clients, if that’s interesting for you. And I also have some of my own clients that you can see if they’re a good fit for helping you to create whatever kind of life that you wanna have in your life and no longer feel scared or worried or failing ahead of time. All right, take care everyone. See you on the next episode. Bye-bye.