#68: Weight Loss and Hard Work

Do you feel like everything you do has to be earned or you have to deserve it? So you have to work really hard and exhaust yourself. And if it’s not hard, you feel like it’s lazy, and so you didn’t really actually earn it. Well, this podcast episode is for you because I have an amazing way of changing the way you think about work. I’m Dara Tomasson and this is Love Yourself Thin, episode 68, Weight Loss and Hard Work.

All right. I am a recovering workaholic. Yes, I do have the Perfection Recovery Program, and part of it is because of the perfectionism in me that meant that I was, a workaholic. I really was. It was modeled to me as a child. It is how I got pretty much all of my self worth. I relied on others’ praise for my own. I didn’t know how to praise myself. I didn’t know how to acknowledge myself. And so I needed that external validation more than anything. And it wasn’t until I really started to look at what perfectionism was and doing all this work that I was able to really change it. I knew there was something wrong with me, but I just couldn’t put my figure on it.

And so I have created this podcast for you because I do see this pattern not only in myself, but in my clients. And in fact, on a coaching call recently, one of my clients, um she’d been watching me on social media and she had been thinking about joining for a long time. And then once she got in, she came to the call and she said, “This is hard work, Dara” and I said, “Guess what? It’s even harder if you don’t change.” And so I’ve been thinking about this concept for the last couple of weeks on hard work and weight loss, because there is a whole world out there that’s gonna tell you, Oh, just do simple. Just do these simple things and you can lose weight. And yes, and I do have a podcast episode about the difference between, it’s simple but not easy. And this is gonna take it in a kind of a different angle, but it’s gonna be really helpful for you.

And so before I dive into the podcast, I do wanna share just a win that happened in the group not too long ago.

And it’s really sticking, sticking with me because as I think about weight loss, and as I think about how it impacts our life, I have been affected more profoundly with the work that we’re doing inside Love Yourself Thin than ever before. And so this client shared how she’s been working on retirement and so she’s finally retired and she was able to go for two weeks to a cottage, and she was able to do things that she never, she hadn’t done for years and years and years. Like, she could get in and out of the, the boat. She could go sit on all the chairs, she didn’t have to have a specific chair and she was able to not have the internet. She could just actually relax within her. And before when she was working, she did not have, healthy boundaries. She was up all hours of the night because she didn’t wanna miss an email. She didn’t want anyone to think anything negatively of her. And so the fact that she can be retired and be more calm and be more present is a massive bonus.

And it just reminds me again and again that the work that we’re doing and love yourself Thin is so contrary to what so many people think weight loss is about. We have this notion that weight loss is all about, you know, counting calories and tracking steps and measuring food, and negotiating, you know, tracking points and all those kinds of things. And it’s so much deeper than that. And in fact, those things are just at the surface, and so that’s why they don’t last.

So when we go deeper and deeper, that’s where we get that permanent change, that permanent weight loss. And that’s, that’s what I’m here advocating for you in this podcast because the problem is if you, like I mentioned, we only have so much mind juice every day. We literally do like time is finite and so if we are spending all of our time thinking we have to be counting calories and tracking steps and playing all these games to lose weight, then we don’t have the time to really solve for when your mother-in-law said those words to you, or I just had a client recently, her, her mother said to her, I like you better when you’re thinner.

And so that could cause all sorts of, you know, challenges and difficulties and heartache, but when you have these tools and you know what’s really going on and you’re in charge, that’s not scary anymore to you. People can say whatever they want and you can have all the power back.

So, going back to this episode, so this is what you can expect. I’m gonna talk to you about work and what does work mean, And so we kind of, we have this hustle culture, right? Where we have to like and how I relate it to weight loss. And I want you to think about how many times you’ve done this. So your daughter’s getting married or you’re having family pictures or you’re gonna have a high school reunion, or there’s some event that you know you’re gonna see someone that you haven’t seen in a long time.

Or there’s gonna be pictures that are gonna be memorialized on the wall or whatever that is, like Christmas Eve. That was a big trigger for me for some reason. And there’s an event that’s happening and you feel like, you have to look a certain way. And I mean, this happens in our home. Like I remember when we bought a home and I, and I knew I was gonna be showing people around.

It was like, Okay, I gotta make the duvet and I gotta make this quilt and I’ve gotta do this thing and I gotta paint this room so that I can, I had this image in my head of like, it had to look all a certain way so I could impress them or make them like my house or feel like it, it was, it was acceptable.

And so we hustle. We stay up late and we, we do that. And the same thing with weight loss, right? We hustle and we drink the, the shakes or we get the herbal magic or we make a big pot of cabbage soup and that’s all we eat. Or we just do something that’s not sustainable. We think that an external thing is going to prove our internal worth.

Now, the next thing I’m gonna say, Yep, you got it, that’s called conditionally loving yourself. So that puts you at a real disadvantage because now you have the mindset or the thinking that in order for me to feel good about myself, I need to look a certain way. I need to have a house a certain way. So now you’re you’re giving up all of your power.

You’re giving away the power because you think the only way I can be happy is if other people tell me that I look good or if I get praise from this or that. And that’s really scary. So when I talk about hard work, and I am a huge fan of hard work. I love, I love at the end of the day thinking, Wow, look at what I’ve accomplished. I mean I just think it’s fabulous and I’m an advocate of hard work. I’ve worked really hard on my business. I have learned so many things.

In fact, it kind of cracks me up that I know more technical things than my kids do. I’m like, well, how is that? But my kids come to me and say, Hey mom, I need to do this for Zoom. Or, Hey mom, I need to do this for YouTube. Or, Hey mom, can you help me make this thing? And I’m like, wow. I’m a almost 49 year old woman, and they’re getting help from me. And because I’ve worked hard, I’ve worked hard at learning these things and educating myself, and I am very proud of that. So I’ve written down this kind of comparison that I wanna share with you.

So there is the working hard, that’s the grinding it out. It’s that like, I’m gonna do this no matter what I am gonna bear down and I’m gonna just suffer through it and I gotta just, you know, suffer and grind it out. Like I just, I want you to really like, imagine that in your body and I’m, I’m sure you’re like having this physical reaction, even when I say that, and it’s the same for me. Versus the thought of, I’m gonna work hard, I’m gonna like figure this out. I’m gonna like find all the obstacles that are in my path, and then I’m gonna create strategies and I’m gonna go for it. Like I’m just gonna figure it out. And I’m gonna evaluate every day. I’m gonna say what went well, what didn’t go well, and what can I do better next time?

Like that? Like that’s gonna be some hard work, but I’m gonna be super proud of myself when I’ve accomplished it. So recently, I created the 90 day workbook, and it’s actually available now. You can join us at any time. It really is amazing. So I took this program that I created, four years ago. I took on some clients for weight loss and back in September of 2019, and I just started sharing with them the things that I had done. And I hadn’t been certified, but I was just, just kind of just sharing and, and I started using some of those tools that I had learned from with coaching.

I did eventually get certified. I started my certification process in March of And, so having said that, so I have worked hard at learning those tools. I have worked hard at building my skills. I have worked hard at it, but I haven’t done it in a way that is, you better do this or else, or in a way like that conditional way of not acknowledging. And in fact, the way that I’ve worked on my business is in a very unconditional way.

So the very first time I had a webinar, I had one person show up and I couldn’t have been more thrilled. I couldn’t believe that in all the world. I put an offer out there to say, Hey, and what was the topic? I think it was like overweight and overwhelm or something like that. And in all the world I took a put an invitation out there and one person showed up and I was able to serve them. I was thrilled about that and I was determined that that work was going to help other people. And there was not what, what’s wrong with you? You only had one person show up. You’re, you, you know you’re never gonna be successful. That conditional piece. No I didn’t allow that to be in my, in my process.

And it’s very similar to how my love yourself thin process. It’s like we lose weight in a way that is so loving and doable and achievable and obtainable and it’s coming from a place of, Hey, I just want to, I just wanna feel like lighter. I just wanna feel healthier. I don’t wanna have brain fog. I, I wanna be able to crawl on the ground and play with you know, kids and grandkids. I just think it’d be more fun to lose weight. And that’s the, that is our source. That is where we’re gonna go from. And so when you know that and you’re like, Yeah, it’s gonna be hard cause I have to change some habits, it feels really it’s a lot, it’s a lot lighter, it’s a lot more expansive. It feels a lot more kind and compassionate.

And I want you to think about when you’ve worked hard and even just like anything you’ve learned. For example, learning how to free motion quilt or learning how to make a lone star quilt or whatever that is. It was hard because it’s something you hadn’t done before, but if you’re doing it from a place of like, Hey, like this is really exciting. Like, I’m learning this thing and yeah, I don’t really enjoy un picking this, but like that’s just part of the process and you’re not, punching yourself in the face, like I say, because when you approach a new skill or a new something like that and your, you know, is like, I’m really doing some hard work here. Like I’m figuring this out. You get a feeling of satisfaction. You have a feeling of empowerment. You know that when you’re doing this, you have created a strength about you that’s building this like level of confidence versus if you’re doing this work out of hustle of like, I need to look better, to feel better. I need to, I need to like, like I see this chocolate bar and I really want it, but I really beating myself up and I’m like, that is not a, that is not a kind of life that you’re gonna be able to sustain because using that kind of willpower, that restraint doesn’t feel expansive. It feels really small and scary, and challenging and difficult.

So I’m gonna take us back to the beginning where my client said, you know, Dara this is hard work. And so now I want you to ask yourself, how hard is it for you to stay the same? Because I have the podcast episode of the 50 50. And it’s hard either way. So it’s hard to lose the weight, but it’s hard not to lose the weight. And in fact when you know that it’s hard, but you know, you’re going to get the result at the end, and even if it takes two years or three years, or five years, but you know for sure you’re gonna get it. You’re gonna get that result. You’re all in. You’re like, yeah, it’s not a race, it’s not a competition. I don’t have to lose this weight by a certain time because I’m totally committed to losing weight in a way that feels loving and kind and gracious and compassionate. So I’m all in on that.

And so I need determination and I’m feeling empowered and I’m feeling strength because I’m willing to do that work. I’m willing to dive deep. And so the problem is if you don’t do the hard work of that strength and empowerment and endurance. Then if you keep doing the same thing, right? If you don’t go the deep dive, if you don’t learn the tools to manage your brain, then things are really hard still, but you don’t have an end in sight. You don’t have a place of reprieve because you know, hey, like the nail, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting a different result. So now you’re living a life of, of a lot of fear because you’re not gonna change and then you just keep disconnecting.

I met with a new client and she has lived an incredible life, just done so many really, really great things, but she has become disconnected from her body and there gets to a point where if you carry an extra 50, 60, 70 pounds that has a side effect. And in fact, that has a big effect on your, your kidneys, your lungs, your heart, your bone, like your hips, your knees, all your joints. You know, carrying an extra 50, 60, 70 pounds around, like if we were going to the grocery store and I said, hey, carry this, I need like five bags of flour here, carry these for me. You would get exhausted.

And so learning how to connect with your brain and your body. That’s hard work, but not being connected with your brain and your body, that’s even harder because now you don’t even have a way to alleviate the problem. So in the work that I do, and of course it’s thinking about our thinking, which is just a, a fancy word, is mindset. Mindset kind of sounds like kind of cliche or It doesn’t like even make sense really, but when you start learning to think about your thinking, what starts to happen is that you start taking control of your life and you start taking your own power back. And I see too many people they become control enthusiasts because they’re really afraid of what life can pass, like throw at them and they don’t feel empowered. They don’t feel like they have the ability to change. And they don’t know how to, to deal with life when things go south, right? When things don’t go in the way that they thought.

And so that’s a very scary way to live. And that’s a really hard way to live because we can’t control other people. It’s really unfortunate. Or actually it is. It’s the rule, right? Just like with weight, it’s like you eat a certain amount of food and the consequence will be you’re gonna put that much weight on. And the same thing with you. You try to control people. It will never be, you can never control anyone because that is part of the human condition. Everyone is able to decide for themselves how they wanna be.

All right, So just to sum up this podcast episode, change is hard work, but not changing is even harder. Because you never get the relief, you never get the solution, You never get the end result that you want.

So my invitation to you is I want you to do this little exercise. So we’re gonna go into a time machine and we’re gonna go to your future self. And she has done the hard work of learning the tools to understand her. She’s done it. You’ve done it. And so now what’s gonna happen is we’re gonna go in that time machine and we’re gonna go hang out with future you.

And so I have some questions on the worksheet, but I want you to think about that. So what are you wearing? What kind of clothes does future you wear? Who’s lost 50 pounds or 80 pounds? What does she wear? What does her typical day look? So what time does she wake up? Does she put makeup on? Does she go for a walk first? Does she go out with friends? How much time does she spend eating? How much time does she focus on eating? What kind of relationships does she have? Does she go out on dates with friends? Does she spend more time in her studio or like her quilting space. Does she go to more classes? Like what does a typical day look like for her?

And then I want you to ask yourself, how can you become more like her? And in episode 64 I talk about Bridging the Gap. That’s the, the podcast on Traps. And so how different is your life now to how her life is and what are just little things that you can do to change that?

So doing this, going to your future self work is I would say when I talk to the members in the program, I say, “what is making the big difference for you?” And the top five, within the top five, that is definitely one of the things that they say, I hang out with my future self and that work with my future self has been so impactful. So there you go. There’s a really fun tip for you.

Now, all of these things, this is hard work. Okay. We’re talking about hard work here. It’s actually hard to hear these things on a podcast. And sometimes when I’m coaching people it’s hard for them to hear the truth. And in fact, when I get coaching, I actually don’t really like it sometimes because they’re telling me stuff that I am doing and I can totally see it, but I don’t wanna see it.

It’s hard to see that. It’s hard to see like, Oh my gosh, I’m sabotaging myself. Oh my goodness. I’m totally doing that to myself. Oh my heavens, why am I still doing that? And the thing that’s hard about it is that we’ve actually spent a lot of effort to try to hide from our problems, right? We try to numb out. We avoid, we distract, we don’t wanna do it. It’s hard to change and it’s hard to accept reality. I get it. I’m right there with you.

But when you know that you will change and you know there’s a relief on the other side, just like hard work, like making this quilt or you know, writing this 90 day workbook or raising kids. You know it’s totally worth it. So you’re all in, and that’s what I want you to give for yourself. What would it, what would, how would that impact your life if you just let yourself just start working on yourself and say, yeah, this is gonna be some hard work, but I love hard work. I feel good when I work hard. It feels great. I’m so satisfied when I look back at all the beautiful quilts that I quilted for people, man, am I sure glad that I practiced that free motion quilting. And when I talk to people about my books, my quilting books, My Love Yourself Thin Program, it’s like a huge program. It’s so amazing. The 90 Day Workbook. Oh my goodness. I feel so proud of myself for having that endurance to keep going. When I could have just gone to the pantry or I could have just made a bunch of cinnamon buns be like, Yep, this isn’t for me. I never was an author. What was I thinking? And give up.

You’re not thin until you’re thin. You’re not there until you get there. And the only way you can get there is through working it out. Now, it doesn’t have to be a grind. I feel great when I work hard. Wow, it feels so satisfying. I get like a dopamine hit when I look back and be like, wow, that was awesome. So happy I put in that hard work and figure that out. That’s amazing, and that’s what I’m talking about.

Thank you so much for joining me in this podcast. Don’t forget you have the worksheet and I wanna hear from you. Tell me what impact did this podcast have for you? I love hearing that.