128. Be Your Own Best Boss

Have you given up on making goals for yourself? Well, this is not just your everyday beginning of the year rah rah, let’s make some goals podcast. I promise you episode My name is Dara Tomasson and I help women learn how to change the way that they think so that their life can be what they actually really want it to be. So this episode is going to be super fun because I’m going to be sharing with you a really awesome tool that will help you to no longer quit on yourself, no longer forget about your goals and go to just helping other people. So if you want to be the person who creates your own life and not just wait around to be helping others which is not a bad thing. But always living for other people so you never feel fulfilled? Yeah, we’re not doing that anymore. So stay tuned for this episode.

But before I dive into this incredible tool that I’m going to share about how to start your 2024 or any other year or any other day or any other month off on the right foot I’m going to be doing a new feature at the beginning of every episode in 2024. So in the past my podcast I would share a win and what’s happening with members of Love Yourself Thin and this year I’m gonna be sharing with you the ripple effects of what happens to the family and friends and random people at grocery stores or lineups when women with Love Yourself Thin tools are around them. And the ripple effects what that’s really doing is we are impacting our world in a much more profound way than we ever thought possible. And so I really wanted to share the ripple effects because one of the struggles that we all have in our life as women is we tend to be wired to be nurturers. And our strengths can become our weaknesses. And when you are always taking care of other people, when you are putting other people first all the time, you’re not nurturing yourself. And then when you become depleted, you are incapable of being the kind of nurturer. that you want to be. And so we kind of get it mixed around and Love Yourself Thin, one of the, the main focus of the work we do is to truly learn to love, nurture, care, , and care for ourselves. So when we do that, everything in our life changes.

Okay. So the first ripple I wanted to share it was actually in my own family. And I’m going to share an example of what that looks like. Because I know that I love stories and I love learning from stories. And so hopefully this story will help you in this way. So one of the struggles I see in myself and with my clients and just the world in general is we try to control other people. And I have really struggled with all my life actually feeling like I had to try to control other people. And so when I was starting out in my, you know, my marriage and being a mom, I, I really struggled with that. I really felt like I had to try to control everything and, and it was exhausting and it also created a lot of resentment. And so one of the things that started happening when I became a life coach was I gave people responsibilities and then I let them take care of it. I didn’t micromanage, I didn’t do what I used to do. And so we have garbage collection once a week. I don’t know, for some reason they really like to do this thing where anytime there’s a holiday then they bump the day. So, if we used to have garbage pickup on Mondays but then we had the long weekend, now our new garbage day would be on Tuesdays. And it’s kind of confusing and kind of frustrating. Because is it like a provincial holiday or a federal holiday? Like when are they going to do it? And so I remember assigning my daughter the responsibility of the garbage. And I said, well, there’s an app. And so I assisted her in downloading the app. I also showed her on the website where she could print off the thing and put it on the fridge and remember. Anyhow, so it was her responsibility and she was doing pretty well, but she missed once or twice and I said, okay, well now we have all this garbage and we have one week is garbage pickup and the next week is recycling. So it’s not great to have the garbage piling up. So I said, well, what are we going to do? And so she had to come up with some solutions. We could go to the dump and take it, or we could go to the, there was like a convenience store you can go and you can buy extra tags and then that you pay for that. And it was awesome because, you know, my daughter at what, I think she was 15 or 14 when I gave her that assignment. And then I was able to show her, okay, so yeah, this is just life. You know, sometimes you forget, sometimes we don’t do it, but then we also have the consequences. And it’s fascinating now to watch my daughter at. 19 especially last year when she was gone to university, she was able to handle so many challenges, so many new things because she had the experience of real life examples of, okay, yep, I didn’t do this thing and now this is the consequence. So that was, that’s been just really, really fun. So I’m curious when I share these ripples with your reaction on what does that mean to let other people live their lives and, you showing up for yourself and you don’t need other people to be a certain way in order for you to feel good.

All right, so let’s go into 2024 or if you’re listening to this years later, this episode is going to be really helpful when it comes to making goals. Okay? Okay, so the tool that I’m going to talk about today is actually articulating what is the goal you want. Like, what is the thing you want? And now, this is where the tool has to get very, very specific. So a lot of women they’ll say, you know what? I just don’t make goals anymore because I just can’t handle women and men, I just can’t handle the disappointment. I just can’t handle the the aftermath. Now the problem is of course if you don’t make the goal, then you don’t know if you’ve even reached it, right? You don’t know where you’re at and how many of us make a goal, but we don’t actually, are specific about what the actual goal is.

So let me give you an example. So if you say, I want to make a quilt. Well, that’s a goal, but So, let’s say you make like a baby quilt, or you make a mini quilt. And you might say, well, but that wasn’t a very good quilt, or that was like just a whole cloth quilt, or I didn’t have binding on it, or I didn’t do any piecing, so I just put two pieces of fabric together and turned them inside out, and I, I tied some knots in it. Like, you weren’t very specific about what the actual qualified as a quilt, or let’s say you say you want to lose weight. Well, how much weight do you want to lose? And what is the timeline of losing it? And then what is the process? Do you want to lose weight in a way that feels terrible? That you have to depend on willpower? Or do you want to lose weight that feels really sustainable and feels really easy and natural?

Okay, so I want you to just reflect back on what has been your best experience with making goals and what has been your worst experience with making goals? Now when you do that exercise, that’s going to really give you a lot of data. It’s going to give you a lot of information that’s going to be so helpful because one of the problems that we all have is that we think, well, I’m terrible at this thing, so I need to have an expert tell me what to do. Now, of course, it’s amazing to have experts. And I, I often refer to experts and all sorts of things, but where we fall short in that logic is that we are our own best expert. We have to be because we know ourselves best. We need to be right? Because we are the one driving, we’re the one in charge. And so, if you are not able to answer those questions, then of course it feels scary.

Now, I might have shared this story, I’m pretty sure I have in the past, but it’s such a good analogy, and it just hits home so much. So one of my sons was really struggling in school, and he would get really upset very quickly, and he would just take off. And yeah, one time he even like walked all the way home, which was quite a distance and the school couldn’t find him and many many times the school would call and say, okay, your son just took off. You need to come and help us find him. I’m like, okay, so this one day I was like, okay, we’re gonna go talk to a Therapist and and see what they’re gonna say. So we’re talking to the therapist and a lot of the same things that this therapist was saying are things that I’ve said. And I said to him, okay, so if you are working at a grocery store and you are bagging groceries and you made mistakes, like you put the bread in first and then you put the heavy thing on top and then the, you know, the customer’s upset and then the boss. What kind of boss would you want? Would you want the boss that says, what’s wrong with you? Why can’t you learn? Why can’t, how many times have I had to told you don’t you have any any sense? Or would you like a boss that said things like hey when you’re packing groceries I noticed that you continue to make the same mistake. Let me explain to you what happens when you do this and you don’t think about it. And, you know, they speak kindly and, and very, very thoughtfully. And he looks at me with these big blue eyes and he’s like, mom, I’m the worst boss to myself. I said, what do you mean? He goes, I don’t speak very nicely to myself. And it just, you know, first of all, it kind of just broke my heart. And second of all, it was just so powerful for him to recognize that the way you speak to yourself is everything.

And so today’s podcast, the first tool that I really want to emphasize is the importance of being very specific in your goal. So I don’t know about you, but I sure love me a to do list. And I don’t know about you, but I absolutely write down things even if I didn’t have it on the to do list at the beginning. I write it down. Are you kidding me? Yes, I want that dopamine hit of a checkmark. I will do that every time. I love it. So the first tool is. Well, number one, write it down, be specific. And number two the tool is to monitor your brain. So, you know, on if you go and you get a test, but like a sleeping test or a brain test and they put those like electrodes on your brain and they monitor it, I would be curious if they had a program that was monitoring the way you talk to yourself and every time you spoke harshly to yourself, it would flash a green light and every time you spoke nicely to yourself, it would flash a red light. How many green lights would you have? How many red lights would you have? Okay? So, just really good to ask yourself.

Now, in the worksheet, I have what kind of boss are you to yourself? And then, I ask the question how do you typically speak to yourself? Like, what’s wrong with you? Why haven’t you figured this out yet? Why do you keep doing this? Or, do you say things like, I understand why you kind of are struggling right now. It’s because you aren’t feeling settled because you’re not sure about what’s happening with this thing. I get it. It’s tough. It’s tough to stay focused. I can see why you keep scrolling on your phone. You’re just kind of nervous. It’s totally fine. It makes so much sense. Do you ever talk to yourself that way? I actually, I recorded this episode I got to about 12 minutes and I was like, Nope, this is bad. This is not what I want. And I, I deleted it and then I jumped on my rebounder. Does anyone have a rebounder? And then I kind of walked around, I jumped a little bit more and I just kind of talked to myself and I said, yeah, you’re just kind of a little bit nervous. You’re starting a little bit later in the day than you wanted, but you love podcast day and you love what you’re doing. So yeah, it’s kind of frustrating when this other thing happened that you didn’t think was gonna happen, but that’s okay It’s alright. We can figure this out Like literally I talked to myself that way. Isn’t that a nice boss? I know it’s so much fun being me

Okay, the next question on the worksheet is is what impact does your self talk have on your mental and physical health? So, let me do a typical scenario. You’re trying to work on a quilt or a project or something, and something doesn’t go how you want. And so you kind of feel upset, you kind of feel mad because you’ve just wasted all this time and energy. You’re probably saying things like, Oh man, why can’t you learn this? Haven’t you learned this already? What did, what were you thinking trying to be a quilter or trying to do a new thing? You should just always do with what, what you know. Okay. So it’s typical, but kind of harsh, not so nice way of talking to yourself. And then what happens to feel better? Yeah, you tend to find yourself in the kitchen, in the pantry, like this is just like a subconscious thing that happens. You don’t even realize it. You’re like, how, how does this have so much power over me? It’s because you haven’t given yourself the opportunity to break it down to be like, okay, what’s actually really going on? What’s, what’s happening here? It’s okay. I get it. It’s kind of hard, but the thing is the chips or the I don’t know, like nachos and the sour cream and you mix it with the salsa, that’s just going to distract you, but it’s not going to solve it. So, speaking to yourself kindly, showing yourself compassion, giving yourself some like, Oh yeah, that makes sense that you did that, but it’s okay, we can figure it out, that’s actually is the thing that’s going to help you to move forward. The food can’t do that for you. The food is not that powerful. It can’t do it.

So if we can take care of the mental health part, then we’re actually taking care of the physical health because we’re not overeating, we’re not turning to the flour or sugar, and so we’re disrupting that old behavior that gave us results that we didn’t want that actually are very detrimental to us, especially if we keep doing that, because, I mean, every once in a while going to get, you know, a plate of nachos and cheese, that’s not going to kill you. But if you’re doing that every time, How many of you do that at 10 o’clock at night or have a bowl of cereal, right? So the compound effect that is actually is very detrimental.

So the third tool is like what I just said of being able to talk to yourself in a different way. And so I have the last question is what are you going to be doing different after you listen to this episode? Now, I wanted to share a special offer that I have that we’re really going to be working on getting very specific about your goals, really looking at your thoughts And then really rewiring your brain to have a better mental health. So really taking care of the anxiety, the depression, all of those things to help you have a better chance. Because then what’s going to happen with that is then your physical health is going to improve so much. Because you’re not going to all of the, the food. You’re not doing any of that. Okay?

So with all of that in mind, I have a very special offer for the year of 2024. And I really hope that you take advantage of it because this really is life changing. And now this is a separate program from Love Yourself Thin. You do have to be a member of Love Yourself Thin for you to join because you need to have the background of the tools, even if you’re brand new. It’ll be fine. It’s just that you’ll have the modules to help you. You can have that, that support. So we are going to be having an in person you can attend in person. It’s going to be at Kornwagen Quilts in Springville, Utah. January 25th and 26th. You can also attend virtually and what’s going to happen is you will come and we have a very extensive workbook and we are going to become CEOs of our life and truly learn tools to help us. And then what we’re going to do is the first Wednesday of every month we will have a follow up, we will have a touch in, we will have an accountability and then we will have our own private Facebook group with the opportunity to have a accountability partner and I will be sharing with you tools and classes on how to be an excellent accountability partner.

Okay? So I’m not, I’m not just gonna throw you in and say, yeah, just go for it. So you can come live. It will be $800 to attend live and to be there for the entire year. Isn’t that incredible to have my, I love how I’m like, isn’t that incredible? I can’t wait for it. But so it’s 800 to come live, to attend virtually actually it’s 400 to attend virtually and then come for the whole year. Okay, so that is how we’re doing it and I would love you to be a part of that. I think one of the pitfalls that I see so often in people who make goals and myself included, oh my goodness, I can’t even tell you how many fresh journals I bought or how many, you know, my hopes were so up high on January 1st. I’m like, okay, you can do this, Dara. You can do it. And then by January 3rd, I’ve already messed up and I’m like, that’s it next year. I guess I’ll try next year. I guess 2020 whatever wasn’t my year after all. No, we don’t do that anymore. No, that’s not going to happen. And the thing that, that helps me know that that’s not going to happen is because A you have the support of a coach B, you have the support of a community and C, which is the most important of all, you have tools to help you with your brain. And you have those times every month to now be accountable. And throughout the month. I will have challenges for you that you can touch base so we don’t want motivation for a goal. Motivation is a short fuse. Okay, motivation is like, you know, rah, rah, rah, let’s go listen to a podcast, listen to the music, whatever that is. Okay? That’s motivation. That only lasts for a very short time. What I’m teaching you in 2024, in the reboot, is endurance, commitment, unconditional love. A showing up for yourself, a love and respect. That’s what I’m doing. That’s what I’m here for. And when you have the life coaching tools, then that’s going to help you to build your confidence in making permanent change. And when you can make that permanent mental change, you are guaranteeing permanent physical change.

So I want you to come. The link is in the podcast. So you’re listening to this, if you’re listening to it right when it comes out, January 3rd. The first day is January 25th. So you’ve got time. And truly, because you can even do it virtually and it’s all going to be recorded so you can have it and you own it. It’ll be yours forever. Okay. So if this sounds like what you need, I’m here for you. Okay. And if you have any questions at all, just ask me, I’m here for you. I love meeting with you. I love answering questions. I love helping you and that’s why I do all this. Because when I see the impact, the ripple effect on my clients and on their family and friends, I’m all in. I’m here for it all. And I can’t wait to watch your transformation. and help you with that.

All right. Take care, everyone. Have a fabulous 2024. And I am so excited to be sharing all these incredible podcasts that are coming up for you. And I, by the way, I love meeting you all who listen to my podcast. I love when you come and introduce yourself or you message me. And I love that we have that, that I can do this for you. It brings me so much joy. All right. Take care, everyone. Bye.