#79: Weight Loss and Control Issues

79. Weight Loss and Control Issues

Are you worried that people are gonna make crazy decisions in your family or around you and you have no control over it? And it makes you kind of cringe and feel really scared? Well, I got you. I’m Dara Tomasson and this is Love Yourself Thin, episode 79, Weight Loss and Control Issues. 

Hello everyone. So we are at the end of January. How has Winter been for you so far? So I live on Vancouver Island. It’s pretty mild and when we do get snow, everything shuts down. My kids are thrilled. The snow is really pretty against all the green trees that we have here and it doesn’t stay very long, so I really cherish the snow that we get and I enjoy all of it, which is a very different story when I once lived in all the other colder spots of Canada where we had snow like six months of the year. Anyways, I love snow. How’s your winter? Tell me how you are doing? 

Okay, so today’s podcast episode is about control issues. Now, one of the things that I hated is when people called me a control freak. And I sometimes say I’m a control enthusiast, and I’ve been working at changing that. But I’m gonna talk about this scenario. One of the things that I’m finding in the program and on the master classes where people can kind of get a flavor of what it’s like to experience coaching is a lot of Grandmas are talking about their grandkids and how they’re feeling really discouraged because they’re always with their phones and they feel like they have no power. And so today’s episode is really focusing on this idea of trying to control other people so that you can feel a certain way and the problem is you’re limiting your own life, your own life experiences, your own joy, your own like pleasure because you think that everyone around you has a lot of power to make you feel a certain way. 

So this episode is going to teach you a concept that’s gonna give you your power back. All right? But before we do, I’m just gonna share a quick win from one of my clients because it’s really fun.  So this win is from one of my clients who has really struggled with finding her new identity. And so many women in Love Yourself Thin struggle with this because we’re all evolving, we’re all going through different phases of our life. We started, as, you know, kids and then we went to school and then all of a sudden we’re, we graduated from high school and, and where do we go? And then we become roommates, and then we have a career and we just go from one title or one way to identify ourselves to another. So we don’t always feel empowered to being like who we really wanna be.

And so this client, she has gone through being widowed to retiring and it’s just been really fun to watch as she navigates all of these new identities. And some of them were placed on her, like becoming widowed that was not an identity that she chose and retiring even though she chose that. It’s like this whole new life and navigating relationships with her children as not having the husband there. And it’s just been really fun to watch as she is giving herself permission to explore and to have fun and to being more honest with herself. If you are struggling with that, please DM me. Please reach out to me because feeling like you don’t even know who you are is really hard. And it’s been fun for me to watch this client of mine evolve and grow. And I’m just so proud of her. She just even graduated from being a yoga instructor. So exciting. So, the only limits we put is on ourselves but it takes a lot of courage. And this episode’s gonna really help you if you are struggling with this. 

So are you, and this is kind of an uncomfortable one because, you know, I used to call myself a control enthusiast that was better than a control freak. And I do admit it. I spent a lot of time, and this is kind of what controlling other people might look like “why doesn’t she just do blank?” It would be better if they would just blank. I don’t understand why they just couldn’t do it this way or think this way or try this thing. So it sounds like you’re being really helpful. It sounds like you know, you’re using your life wisdom and you know what? You do have life wisdom, but people do not come with remote controls. Imagine how it would feel if someone was constantly saying that to you. It’s like, why don’t you do it this way? 

It’s funny when my, sometimes my mom will be over and she’ll say, oh, why are you doing it that way? I said, because I want to, and I’ll even find myself saying that to my kids and I’ll be like, oh, why don’t you do that? But I’m, you know, my mom would say that to me and I’m 48 years old and whereas my kids, they’re 13, so I’m like, it’s actually my responsibility to help them to do things, you know, think of things in different way. Anyways. it’s okay that you’re doing that, but the problem is, adults when they turn 18, they actually get to just decide how they want to be.

So today’s episode, I’m gonna actually talk to you about a case scenario that’s been on my mind and it was, I was coaching a lady about it and this actually happens quite a bit and I can see it even just in my own family because now my mom lives here, I have my mother-in-law and she visits. And so there’s a situation with kids and screens. And whether you’re a grandma or an aunt or just a person trying to navigate relationships with younger kids who are younger and younger getting screens and they seem to be really attached to them because they are really addictive.

So the case scenario is my grandkids are always on their phones and it makes me crazy. Okay? Before we go into the case scenario, I do wanna ask two questions. And remember, the handouts are available, you can print them out, I make them for you every episode. Why are you spending your mind juice on trying to control others? Like I literally remember laying in bed, solving all the world’s problems and thinking, why don’t they just figure this out? And I spent so much of my brain juice, my energy, trying to control everyone. Now the problem is what happens when you spend your mind juice on trying to control other people? Yeah, you’re not really able to be with yourself. And the problem, as you learn in Love Yourself Thin and I’ll just share that with you, is that the only person you can change is yourself. Other than, I mean, if you’re a boss, then yes, you have some influence and you can have different boundaries. And if you’re a parent, then yes, you have some responsibility but you know, when they turn 18, they become their own adult and they can make those decisions. And then you get to decide who you want to be in that. 

Okay, so when you have this case scenario, my grandkids are always on their phones and it makes me crazy, you think that if they weren’t on their phones then your relationship would be better. So why do you think that? Why do you think if they weren’t on their phones, your relationship better? So some of the ideas that came as and speaking to this client, well, you don’t feel connected. This is the problem. So you don’t feel connected, you don’t feel valued. You’re not having as much fun with them. They’re not playing the board games, they’re not interacting. You’re not creating fun memories. So those are all valid reasons for you to feel like it’s a problem that your grandkids are on their phone. Or your own children are on their phone or your nieces or nephews or whoever. Okay? So the problem is when you are judging others, you are judging yourself.

So I gave the scenario, and I might have shared it in a podcast when my 10 year old needed to get a booster, he had to get these shots that he was supposed to get when he was five and when he was five I didn’t take him to get those shots. So then he needed to have a tetanus shot and had I done like five years before, and I remember sitting in the, the nurse’s station, At the public health clinic and the lady, the nurse actually was my husband’s coworker’s wife, and they were… she was saying, oh, so you don’t remember if your child got their shots? And I’m thinking, okay, this is my fifth kid, we had a move, it was not my favorite move. And you know, different provinces and they have different regulations, and I just didn’t do it. I just didn’t do it. 

And I remember like 20 minutes later thinking, oh my goodness, she could be judging me for not doing that. She could be saying, oh, look at that lady. She has five kids and she doesn’t even have her fifth kid vaccinated. Like, what’s she doing? And honestly, I didn’t even, I wasn’t saying that to myself because I knew what the situation was. I knew how sad I was to move. I knew all the things that were happening and I was actually laughing to myself. I’m like, you’re a good person you like fed those kids, you always took care of them. And yeah, you didn’t do the shots, but that’s okay. You had lots of other things you were doing for them and you had so much going on, like way to keep showing up.

So I wasn’t sitting there feeling judged because I wasn’t judging myself. Now, you are judging the situation versus processing the negative emotion that you’re having. So when I talk about that, like you’re distracted in that judging of them because you don’t wanna feel disconnected, you don’t wanna feel not valued, you don’t wanna feel like you’re not having fun. You don’t wanna feel bored, you don’t wanna feel like, and you actually don’t even like, you probably don’t even really like the fact that you’re so judgy, that probably doesn’t feel very comfortable either, right? 

This is the tool that I wanna teach you. And it happens a lot in the coaching, and it’s kind of one of those things when you start coaching someone and they realize it’s true and they’re just, they’re kind of embarrassed that it’s happening, but when they can see it, they get so much relief. So the problem is, when you think that this is happening to you, that your grandkids are always on their screens and that you can’t have any fun with them and that this is really terrible, you actually become a victim. You’re like, well, what can I do? I’m just the grandma and my life is terrible and like, this is just the way things are now. And I feel awful. So you become a victim to your grandkids. And I know it feels terrible. You’re like, I don’t wanna be the victim, but you are. If that’s the way you’re thinking then, and if you can resonate with this. 

So the problem is whenever there’s a victim, there’s always a villain. And so now the grandkids or the phone become villains, but guess what? It’s like you fell in a booby trap. We say booby trap anymore? Such a funny word. You fell in a booby trap, right? You were walking and someone had dug a hole and then they put some leaves on it, and there was a net, and you just fell right in. You’re like, oh, I fell into being a victim again. Oh, and then that makes them villains. Oh, this is so funny. Okay, you can say that, or you can say, this is annoying or whatever. But the truth is you’re actually super grandma. You’re like Superman, right? You know how to create your own happiness. You don’t have to be fearful. And Superman doesn’t say, or super grandma doesn’t say, oh, these people need me to save them, and oh, I’m having to like climb up buildings and fly and do all this. They’re like, no, superman is like, I’m really good at this. I’m good at saving people. I’m good at like rescuing people. I’m strong and I can do things. And so I’m not saying you have to go save them, but you are strong. You can take care of you. It’s a beautiful thing. 

All right, so what did you take away so far from this episode? We try to control people because we think that it’s gonna make us feel better. In fact, it was interesting, so I was at the Houston Quilt Festival, and I had a booth. And honestly, I felt like the biggest country bumpkin because I have never seen that many women in one place in my life. Like there were so many women at that show, and men too. But I just, I was totally blown away by the volume of people. It was just amazing and it was so much fun to connect with so many quilters. But the reason I bring this up is that when I talk to people about free motion quilting, so many women were like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, I feel outta control. It feels crazy. It feels awful. And I, when I first started free motion quilting I felt the same way. Totally felt the same way. It was like, oh, no, no, no. That seems so random. Just gimme some lines to follow. I’ll just trace something or I’ll just draw it on there. Or just, gimme a template and I’ll see if I can follow the lines. It was really unempowering. 

And I always reassure women. Okay I said I get it. I get it. Even with that scenario, I say, well listen, we gotta learn the basics. We gotta learn the basics of how the free motion quilting works. And then, you know what I teach them to do? I say, we’re not even gonna attempt… not even gonna try to start quilting on a quilt. No, we’re gonna get a bunch of U-Haul paper. You know what I mean when I say U-Haul paper? It’s the full scap paper that you use to wrap plates and glasses and things, breakables. And you’re gonna buy a bunch of that paper and then you’re going to fold it in half, and then you’re gonna fold it in thirds and you’re gonna get a clipboard, and then you’re gonna get a Crayola marker or some kind of fatter tip marker, and you’re going to just start doodling. You’re gonna start building that foundation. You’re gonna start just practicing being bad at something and kind of following some directions, and it’s ok. And then you’re going to crumple that paper up and you’re gonna use it to start a fire. Or you’re gonna recycle it or you’re going to line your garden beds with it. I don’t care what you do, but what you’re gonna do is you’re gonna set yourself up for success and saying, Hey, I’m learning this new skill, I’m not gonna be very good at it. I’m going to be flubbing up and I’m going to be messing up and I’m gonna be learning from my mistakes, so I’m not gonna put extra pressure on myself. I’m not gonna put this quilt in this machine and try to quilt it and put all that pressure. No, I’m not gonna do that.

And then, you know, also what you do after you draw for a long time? You’re going to go to your closet and you’re gonna empty out a bunch of old sheets that you don’t care about, or you’re gonna go to your fabric stash, I know you have it, and you’re, you’re gonna look and say, what the heck was I thinking when I bought this? Or why did I keep this when someone gave it to me? Why did I say yes? Oh, that was the people pleaser in me. Oh, okay, yeah, I’m not doing that anymore. And then you’re gonna take that fabric or that old sheet and you’re gonna cut it into a 20 inch square.  And then you’re gonna get some batting, and then you’re gonna cut that into 20 inche square, and then you’re going to practice.  And then after you practice with a contrasting thread and you’re gonna start figuring that all out, then you’re gonna get a surger, and you’re gonna surge those edges if you want. And then you’re gonna take that to the SPCA, animal shelter and say, here you go, here’s some animal pads. And so now you don’t feel like you wasted time or you’re just gonna throw it away or whatever. Okay? 

And so now you’re learning, you’re building your foundation, you’re figuring it out. You’re not a victim to free motion quilting. You’re actually becoming empowered. And so, with those ladies that said, oh no, I could never free motion quilt, I would lose control. I get it. I would lose control too if I didn’t give myself the opportunity to build a foundation if I didn’t break it down into doable, obtainable, sustainable steps. Okay?

So that is my episode for you today, ladies. Weight loss and control issues with the scenario the grandkids or free motion quilting. Because the truth is the only person you can control is yourself. And just like with episode 74, when we talked about weight loss, family harmony and drama, I talked about what kind of daughter do you wanna be? What kind of caregiver do you wanna be? What kind of hostess do you wanna be? What kind of human? That’s what you have control over. So let’s stop thinking that everyone comes with a remote control and stop trying to control everyone. And I promise you that when you stop wasting all of that mind juice on trying to control other people and you focus it in on yourself, you are going to feel so much happier. 

So excited for you. I wanna hear all about it. I love hearing from you. I love getting the feedback. You can direct message me on Instagram, that’s really fun over there. Or you can just email me, [email protected] and, and let me know what’s going on for you and what are you getting from this podcast and how can I support you? And I do wanna remind you that we have the 90 day challenge. It is going on over in Love Yourself Thin. You’ll learn the foundational five pillars of permanent weight loss. I help you in little tiny steps. I can’t wait to help you over there. Take care everyone. I’ll see you next week. Bye-bye.