187. Not Letting Yourself Have it ALL

Do you find yourself holding yourself back quite often? You really want to do something but think, Oh no, I can’t do that. I’m just little old me. Or, I’m just this girl who lives on an island. Or, I’m from Canada. Or, I’m from this. Or, I’m from that. Do you find yourself doing that? And not even realizing afterwards of asking yourself even like, Why didn’t I go do that thing?

Or maybe you’re looking back at the year or the month and asking yourself, why haven’t I done more quilting? Or why haven’t I, why don’t I feel happier? Like what’s going on? All right. If that’s you, I’m so glad you’re here. My name is Dara Thomason and I am the quilters coach and this is episode 187 not letting yourself have it all.

Okay. So I have a client who, when I was coaching her, I thought I have to do this podcast. And you know, so much of the focus of the work that I do is helping women learn how to truly love themselves, how to nurture and nourish themselves, and actually learn how to treat themselves as kindly, as respectfully, and as, um, sweetly as they do other people.

And we have this undercurrent of this negative self talk that just feels so normal, but it actually has really destroyed our relationship with ourselves. And it keeps us from having the kinds of experiences and connections that we want. So let me just tell you a little bit about this experience.

And, and I want you to ask yourself, as you’re listening to this podcast, does this in some way describe you? So this is why I do this podcast. I know for myself, I have learned so much from so many podcasts. I remember like quilting and then having to stop every three minutes when I was listening to these podcasts because I had to write this down.

I thought I didn’t even know this was possible. I didn’t even know it was possible for me to actually think a different way. It was so liberating. There was so much freedom there. So, um, my, this, this experience with my client is that. She feels like if she loses weight, then people will think that she has too much in her life because she has a very abundant life.

She has a very nice home. She has amazing kids. She has this great husband who adores her. She has so many things, so many, um, like she doesn’t have to work so she can be home all day. The kids have just left the nest and she has this very unconscious belief that we were able to excavate after some time coaching that she feels like if she loses this weight, then she will be less likable because people will see, Oh my goodness.

Not only does she have these different freedoms, but now she’s skinny. And it was really interesting. Um, and as you can imagine, so I want to hear from you, do you hold yourself back in certain areas because you’re worried that people will reject you and you don’t even realize this is happening because it is very primal.

So even in my own family, my own father, when I told him. One day, my earnings as a life coach, he was very upset. Now, I did not realize at the time how much dementia was already setting in with my father. So, this, in all fairness, this is, you know, he had his own struggles and own difficulties, but he was not supportive of me making money.

In fact, it was very difficult. He said, Dara, are you sure that you can be someone who can make that kind of money? And, you know, it’s all relative, right? Like money is all relative. But for my dad in that moment when I told him and then his, the way I interpreted his reaction, that’s on me. But, um, I have a whole history of money and how much girls should be able to make, how much men should be able to make.

And, um, different professions, how much they should make. And because I, my whole life internalized all of that since I was a child. And so it was so fascinating when my father said, do you know how much money I have made? And he wouldn’t even tell me. It took him three weeks and I still, I don’t even remember what it was, but it was fascinating.

And so I was starting to hold myself back from selling or for offering for a while because it made me feel really uncomfortable. being someone who could make a certain amount of money every month. Okay. So I’m being really open and honest about that. It actually like makes me feel a little bit uncomfortable sharing that publicly, but, um, we all have our different struggles and I’m, I’m, I have the visual.

So if you’re on YouTube, obviously you see it. If you’re listening to the podcast, All you need to do is download the worksheet or you could just Google Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. And if you went to introductory, introductory, like psychology, um, class in university, or even if you were a grade six teacher, like I was, we used to teach from this all the time.

But, um, so I’m going to be talking about why we struggle having it all or allowing ourselves to even want to have it all, or to even like give ourselves permission to. to dream, to have it all. And it’s going to be really interesting as we go through this podcast, because I’m really hoping that this conversation, this podcast will open the doors to so much insight for you on why.

you keep sabotaging yourself. Why you keep having these problems when you, you have really big intense, you have really great intentions. I have a client who was struggling with her weight and she went to this fertility doctor. I think I might’ve shared this on here, uh, recently, but so she went to the fertility doctor and it wasn’t that she wanted to get pregnant, but this fertility doctor specialists in Chicago.

What worked with PCOS. So I’ve worked with a lot of women with PCOS. Um, it’s one of the struggles that we have and So this doctor gave her this Diet and my client is amazing. She’s so I mean so great and she followed that diet to the T for I think of a whole month and She lost maybe two pounds and she went back to the doctor and the doctor was like well clearly you didn’t do it, right?

You And my client was like, no, I did it. I was vigilant. I was, was, was, yeah. And it was really interesting because if we don’t work through our own emotions like safety, to losing weight or to, um, using up our stored weight. then we’re gonna, we’re gonna have problems. Okay. So when we look at this, um, this chart, so the, we, the very basic, the foundation of meeting our psychological needs, physical, sorry, meeting our needs is physiological.

So those are the physical things like food, water, breathing, excrement, like are we, and then I wanted to just talk about homeostasis and just like highlight that. So homeostasis is equilibrium where organisms’ ability to regulate various physical, um, elements. Okay. So it’s kind of like the thermostat.

So with our bodies, our bodies are amazing when we’re feeling really hot, our body will actually sweat. so that we now have perspiration. We have water on top of our skin. So if there’s any sort of breeze at all, we will cool down. And just like if we get cold, our body will shiver, right? And we instinctually like to Bring our armpits down to our side.

We put our arms in front of our chest. We’re like, we’re keeping ourselves really like held in because we’re trying to conserve, hold in that warmth. Okay. So, um, we, our bodies are wired to help us to have this equilibrium. So we shake, we vibrate, we create heat. And so when you think, We cannot thrive until we have these basic needs met.

So are we breathing? Are we having enough food, enough water? We have sex here because in order for us to reproduce our, our, um, species, we need to have sex, right? We need to be able to make more humans. So that is a physiological need. And sleep. homeostasis and if we’re eliminating. So that means our body is digesting everything properly.

So if those things are not being met, we are in trouble. We are not going to thrive. We are not going to do well. So one of the problems that I encounter with working with women on weight loss is if there is a lot of fear around food and around eating. And if we’re not caring for ourselves, we’re not getting enough water and sleep, then we’re not going to be able to have a great life. result with caring for ourselves.

And it was interesting. I, um, for many, many years did not sleep very much. I, well, I didn’t sleep very much cause I had five kids. So there was one thing. And then I on purpose chose to go to bed at three, two, three, four in the morning, five nights a week, five, six nights a week, um, because of my quilting.

And, um, um, It was a little bit, well, it was one of my strategies of if I’m more tired, I don’t have to feel my feelings as much. I was pretty overwhelmed. I love my life, but there were some really challenging, um, elements and I didn’t, I didn’t, I didn’t have life coaching at the time. Um, I didn’t have all those strategies of knowing how to reframe things.

And so one of my, Uh, strategies that was modeled to me as from a kid was just to work harder. And so my theory was if I could just work harder, so I, if I could, um, do more quilting, then I could get ahead and then I could maybe help resolve some of the concerns that were happening in my home. And so. that was, that was hard.

And so when I started doing the life coaching and I started having this experience with like feeling my feelings and processing all of that, um, I didn’t make myself quilt so much and I actually let myself go to bed early and take care of myself. And within, I started sleeping seven to eight hours and I think I should have written this down, but I think I lost 10 pounds.

week when I just changed my sleep. My body was like, ah, thank you. This is more what we like. This is safety. So I’m curious for you listening to this podcast, are you breathing enough? Are you having good food? Are you drinking enough water? Are you having that, good sleep, or homeostasis? Like, are you allowing, are you regulated or are you really, really high?

And then really, really low. And are you having regular bowel movements? So if that’s not happening, this is a problem. Okay. And if these aren’t not met, then let’s like, we, we can’t expect to get a lot of really good results because these things aren’t even being met. Okay. So safe. We need security of our body of employment.

Like we need to make sure we’re going to have enough money, right? Financial security, health and wellness, and then safety against accidents. So like, are we living in a healthy, safe environment? So if we are constantly looking over our shoulder or constantly worrying about, um, if we’re going to be okay, then we’re not going to thrive.

We’re not going to be able to, to move forward.

So once these things are taken care of, Then we can go to the next level of friendship, family, sexual intimacy. So it’s not just like an interaction of sex, right? It’s actually, like, feeling good in your body. Feeling connected to your partner. Feeling like you’re loved and you’re having that, like, higher level experience.

Same thing with our friendships and family. Like, we’re really feeling heard. We’re feeling connected. Do we feel like we belong? So as I look at these, this Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, and as I share the example of my client saying, well, if I lose weight, then people are going to judge me. This is now going to go to this next level of esteem.

So in our self esteem, our confidence, achievement, respect of others, and respect by others. So this is where we get, this is where like the internet has been really challenging for a lot of us because even someone, um, you know, we can judge our worth by the number of followers or people, um, making comments and then it’s even worse when the, when you go to the Instagram thing and they’ll say, Oh, Instagram will only push, um, Like the algorithm now works for you.

So it only pushes like the good content So then if you’re trying to do things and it’s not being pushed you’re like, well, I guess I’m a loser I guess I’m not so and same thing with the scale. It’s like well, I guess I’m a loser. I guess I’m stupid. I guess I’m dumb. I guess I’m not good enough. I guess I’m just the worst right and We don’t let ourselves, we don’t let our, own opinion of ourselves mean anything.

So this is, um, where we have to really start internalizing. I’m my own boss. What I think of me is the most important. This is my life. I get to create whatever I want. So as a Christian, um, I’ve actually had some challenges in living in this area because our school system has, um, strong, uh, like, uh, very strong beliefs that go against Christian, um, faith.

And so there have been times where teachers have, um, made fun of my kids, have degraded them. And I’ve had to walk in and say, Hey, listen, this isn’t cool. We can respect everybody. Um, I’m not, I’m not, Being rude to other people. I’m not telling them they’re wrong, but I’m, I’m, I’m being respectful of how they want to believe I would appreciate the same courtesy and in fact my kids at a young age are also learning to have those conversations and so That’s I mean, that’s a really helpful tool for them growing up because we ought we do live in a society where not everyone believes everything and I and being able to respect others and being respected by others.

That’s a really important, um, level. And so is it awesome that my kids, their teacher makes fun of them for being Christian? No, it’s not awesome. But how does that, feel for me as a parent, knowing that my 12 year old, my 15 year old, my 17 year old can say, Hey, I actually respect my own beliefs and I would, expect that I would  hope that you could do the same thing.

So interesting. I, and I would love it for you to start thinking about are you having those kinds of conversations with yourself and are you having those kinds of conversations with other people? So if you, maybe you’re at a guild meeting and they have their opinion on how they should spend the budget and you don’t agree, You know, do you come up and say, Hey, I don’t agree.

And are you able to feel like you can, you can say that. And the only way you can do that is if you have this lower level of love, belonging, friendship, all of that. Okay. And then, um, then the self actual actualization is at the very top. So this is where we see, The like, personal growth, not worried about what others opinions are, lack of prejudice, like accepting of the facts, problem solving, spontaneity, creativity, all those things.

And again, I go back to, I guess this J. K. Rowling speech has really influenced me to Harvard because she said the two most important ingredients are failure and imagination. And I think that’s really interesting. Self actualization. So allowing ourselves to fail, allowing ourselves to be a human, allowing ourselves to say, Hey, I think this is the best approach.

And then if it doesn’t exactly turn out, you’re like, Oh, I just thought that would be a good idea. It’s kind of like, Oh, I just saw this thing, um, where, you know, we have this whole problem with straws. So plastic straws are bad for turtles and the environment. And So we know that. So now we say, okay, we are not going to make plastic straws anymore.

So let’s make paper straws. But now paper straws, the, the, the glue that they use for the paper straws is actually really bad for us. And then we have metal straws. And so the problem with metal straws is we have to clean them really well with the, the special cleaner. And people have actually been impaled by metal straws.

And then we have glass straws. And so, I mean, glass can break, and then we can get cut in our mouth, or other places with the glass straws. So the funniest part about it all is, do we even need straws? Or were they just like an invention? And if you go to Costco, they don’t even serve straws anymore. They have a, and Wendy’s, they have a special lid.

So it’s easier, so you can still cover it, and you can still drink it. But do we even need a cover? Can we just not just drink the drink? Right? Like, it’s so interesting to me, how, um, we can just get ourselves all worked up about something that’s not even really that important. So, that was just a random, well, it, Okay, so what I want us to do, what I want you to do, and I’m going to do this myself, is I want you to look at where, so I have in the worksheet the daily, a daily audit.

So, what that means is, I’m, if we did, uh, you know how like accountants, they go through your, um, bank statements and how much money you spend? Sometimes I’ll say to my clients, let’s do a time audit. And in my Perfectionist Recovery book, I have a whole section at the end of, um, how to work through your, um, your WIPs, like your works in progress.

And, um, like how do you spend your day and get really curious? A lot of traditional weight loss people will say, well, let’s do a food journal. And for, it’s very helpful like for a few days, no problem. We can just kind of get a baseline to see where we’re at. So this is what we’re doing for a daily audit is really looking at how much time am I spending?

in my day, taking care of my basic needs and then going up the scale with safety. So do I spend a lot of time feeling worried about having enough money? And if that is, or having enough resources, if that is spending, if I’m spending a lot of time there, that is taking up a lot of my mind juice, a lot of my energy.

What about belonging? How much time do I feel like I really belong? Or am I spending a lot of time people pleasing? Like today I actually made an executive decision to stay home and work on the podcast instead of going to my son’s game. Um, I’m actually going to drive in an hour and a half. I will go for the final game and I’ll take my mom because she doesn’t wake up early.

But I made a decision. I was like, I’m going to go for my run. I’m going to do the podcasts and I’m going to get a few things done. Because I have a new assistant and we have some new processes, so things are taking a little bit longer, which I’m really happy about because I want to make sure that these processes are going well, and that I can train her really well, and that we can work together.

But that just means that my Saturday requires me to come in and do all these podcasts and then have those done early enough for her so that she now has a lot of time to learn how to edit the podcast and put it out. So she’s not, um, being, being stressed out. I’m not being stressed out. And so, um, this is one of my, when I think about this podcast, of having it all.

It’s like, Oh, I can, I can take care of business because I don’t want to be living. I don’t want to build a business. That’s feeling stressed all the time. So just like with weight loss, I say how you lose the weight is how you keep it off. So if you don’t plan to track steps, um, for the rest of your life or just to weigh your food.

Let’s not lose weight that way. Let’s lose weight in a way that feels loving and kind and compassionate and nurturing. And then as you, and like when you step on the scale, it’s like, okay, I’m stepping on the scale as a way of seeing how I did instead of punishing myself. It’s like, no, it’s a tool.

Just like the past is a tool. Right? So. I’ll give these examples because I want to help you see in your life how much of your time, because remember, we only have 24 hours, the time is limited. How much of your time are you spending in the physiological needs, the safety, the love and belonging, the esteem, or the self actualization?

So if you are spending a lot of time in these basic needs, you are not going to be in this more elevated thinking. You’re not going to have that imagination. You’re not going to, um, have that self esteem or that confidence. You’re not going to have that experience. And so you’re not going to have the results of someone who lives a very healthy and well adapted and, like productive kind of life.

It has a quilter. This can really resonate with you. I had a client recently who hosted a party and she really wanted to focus her energy on Enjoying the guests and being with them. So she made a beautiful meal but she ended up having other responsibilities and she couldn’t make a homemade dessert and So she just made a decision executive decision.

I don’t have the time But I all can have the resources. So she ordered cupcakes and had them delivered to her house. So time is a resource, money is a resource like, and so she was able to create within, within five minutes, she now had solved a problem, whereas making the cupcakes and doing all that would’ve been like maybe two hours.

So, but she was able to be in that, um, higher level problem solving thinking. She was in that self actualization part. All right. I love talking about these things for you because, um, the next step is what is your dream daily audit? So what would you like your day to look like? Now, remember, if you don’t put in a destination for GPS, It can’t tell you how to get there.

So today I’m going to my son’s basketball game. And so all I need to do is say, this high school in this city, and then the GPS does all the figuring out and says, you will get there in one hour and 10 seconds. And this is the route you need to take. And they lay it all out for me. But how many of us don’t know where we want to go.

And that’s the problem. So for this client of mine, who’s like, ah, if I lose the weight, people are going to judge me because they’re going to say she has it all. But this is the key in order to have a healthy, balanced life where you don’t have a lot of depression or anxiety, or all of those struggles. We need to allow for the positive and the negative.

And so if we are always fighting against what other people think all the time, we are not going to live a balanced life. Okay. So whether you’re, your body is thin, or you have lots of money, or if you have lots of time, lots of freedom, those are not a free pass. Those will not give you a life of luxury and ease.

Whether you have a thin body or a big house or lots of money in the bank, there’s always going to be a life of 50 percent good and 50 percent not so good. That is part of a healthy human existence. So let’s stop fighting this unrealistic expectation of when I do this, then I’ll, then I won’t have any more problems.

It doesn’t exist. So I said to my client, I was like, well, do you want to have a thinner body? Do you want to do that? She says, yeah, she wants to have more clothing options. She wants to have more energy. I’m like, okay, let’s just do it. It’s not going to make you more valuable. You already are a hundred percent worthy.

If it sounds more fun, let’s go. All right. I’m, I would love to hear what’s resonating with you. I love that you’re at the, at the end of this podcast. And we’ve spent this time together or YouTube, however you’re watching me. And I want to invite you to do, you have two different things you could do. One is, cause the reason, like you’ve come to the end of this podcast, it shows me that you’re ready to change.

Even though I know you’re a little nervous. That’s okay. That’s always that good and nervous energy. It’s all good. Um, so you can register for my free class. So you can just register. The link is below or you could book a free call. They go pretty quickly. So make sure that you book a, you get a free coaching call with me.

Or if you’re just like, I just want to be in the membership. I just want to start learning. And as soon as you join the membership, by the way, you get immediate access to everything. We have three coaching calls a week. So you can just go register. What’s your choice? But this is the last thing I’m going to say.

You can choose your heart. It’s hard not to change, but it’s hard to change. But when you know that you’re picking the heart to change, you actually know the destination, which is more love, more creativity, more spontaneity, more problem solving, more lack of prejudice, more accepting of the facts, more And a healthier, longer, more happy life.

I’m all in on that. So if you are too, let’s go.