174. Using Coaching as a Weapon Instead of a Tool – How to Avoid the Trap

How many of us use tools as a weapon? So for example, a hammer is a very useful tool, but used in the wrong way can actually be a weapon. Um, so this is the same thing that happens with life coaching tools. And today’s episode is going to talk about how we can often use life coaching tools as a weapon that really actually make us in a worse state than when we started, because we’re not using them properly.

And so I’m going to be doing some troubleshooting. And today’s episode is going to be so helpful for you as you set yourself up for success. Um, and your life.

My name is Derek Thomason and I am the quilters coach. And this is episode 174 using coaching using coaching as a weapon instead of a tool and how to avoid that trap. All right. So. If you’ve been listening to my podcast. Which is 174. How fun is that? Um, I talk about tools. Yes. Last week, we talked about using neuroscience and using the tool of our brain.

Not knowing the difference between something imaginary is something reality. But the week before that we talked about, um, math versus drama as a tool. There’s lots of tools I talk about on this podcast. And they’re really, really helpful. But just like I gave the example of the hammer. Um, it. If used improperly, it could actually do a lot of damage.

And in fact, I have this adorable story when my kids were little. We were, um, we’ve done a lot of house flipping. I don’t know if you know that about me. But, um, we were in one house and my oldest son was about five and, um, yeah, he was in kindergarten. And my husband thought it would be really fun to get him interacting as we’re doing this demolition of this one wall. So my husband drew an X on the wall and said, okay, honey, you can smash this part.

And, um, it was so adorable. My son had his hammer. And he was just so excited. So he goes and he knocks out like three of these. Um, X’s and then you see him a little bit later and he has a pencil in his hand and he starts drawing X’s on the wall.

No, no, no, no, no. Do that to all the walls. It was so funny. Anyways. So today’s episode is going to talk about.

Sometimes we’ll do the same thing. We’ll want to use that tool, but we’re not using it properly. And then we’ll have a lot of, um, really negative side effects to it. But before we go into the meat of the episode, I always love to share. What’s happening in the lives of the members because of the tools they have and how the ripple effects, um, have that.

Now this one is so sweet. My, um, client. I’ve been working with her since 2020 beginning of 2020. And she’s had a Rocky relationship with her sister and her brother. They, you know, like a lot of us are, our parents always did the best they could with what they had. And, um, so sometimes that. That looks very kind of crazy and not super awesome.

So if we have an abusive family, Um, you know, Everyone has different. Different flavors of challenges at home. And so their F their home life was a little bit challenging and a lot of insecurities. And with that,

It’s difficult to build. Um, Um, strong relationships and bonds. And as we’ve been doing the coaching together, she’s really wanted to build a stronger relationship with her sister, even though they’re in their seventies. She really wants to feel. Connected and wants to feel that, um, that, that love that she has, but make it a little bit easier.

And, uh, so it was, um, her birthday. Recently she just sat on the phone with her sister and just realized how much. Um, They get along, how much love that she feels for her. And even when her sister does those weird things totally. You know, she’s like, oh, that’s kind of weird. She doesn’t judge her.

She just allows her to be her and they just have such a, a. A different, healthy relationship. And she’s just so grateful because you know, navigating those older years of, uh, uh, Like taking care of an ageing parent. And making those hard decisions. It makes it so much easier when you get along with your sibling.

So. I love that win and it takes time and it takes continuous effort. It’s like building a garden. It takes time to get the soil ready. And you need to just keep nurturing it. And these, um, as she continues to do so she sees the fruits of her labor. Very exciting. Okay. So this episode is actually, um, Inspired by one of my clients. And, um, I was just talking to her and I asked how things were going.

And she said to be honest, I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed that I haven’t made more progress. And then she said, Something. That was really interesting to me. And I thought. It’s fascinating how our brains feel. We. Need to be a certain way to get results. So she said, Um, in her response.

I’m not a failure and I never will be. And then I asked. What do you have to prove? And she said, That I can lose the amount of weight that I want, that I can achieve. The goal that I set for myself, which is totally awesome. I’m all for making goals. I’m all for it, let’s go for it. And then I asked, I wonder what would happen if you took the pressure off? And she said, if I took the pressure off, I would never achieve the goal. And would be a failure at weight loss. I would never figure out what works for my body and heal my body, that I don’t love myself enough to lose the weight. So, I don’t know if you’ve heard this. And when, when in her response she says, if I took the pressure off. I would never achieve the goal.

And that would be a failure. And so this episode. Is going to be focusing on this concept of pressure. So think about diet mentality. So diet mentality is I have to lose weight to be better. And so with a diet, you go to some expert who says, do this, do that, do this, do that. And now you are at their mercy. Uh, them telling you what to do for you to get results.

And, you know, a lot of us can use willpower to a certain extent.

But now you’re using pressure to do this. Like, people are gonna look at you. Who do you think you are? Like all the super negative self-talk. Pressure pressure pressure. If you don’t do this, you will look terrible in pictures or, um, people won’t like you or. Whatever, whatever your flavor is, but some version of you’re not good enough. And you

have to prove that you are. So now you’re in this cycle of saying I have to change in order to be better.

And if I don’t change, then I am not better. Now, this is all on faulty ground, because your worth as a person has absolutely nothing to do with how much you weigh. Absolutely nothing. Just like my worth as a person has nothing to do with how tall I am or how short I am or how big my feet are or how old my car is or how big my house is or how. The big, my little bigger little, my fabric stashes. How many kids I have if I don’t have kids or my marital status. None of those things impact my worth as a human, because my worth as a human has already been decided. So when you think that you have to look a certain way for you to be. A worthy or a, an acceptable human, you are operating on a falsehood. Belief. And so when you think about a false belief, I think of a Rocky foundation. So if a storm comes. So like with a diet, like if you know, the kids don’t get to come home for the holidays, or if you know you, the stock market crashes, or like there’s a big, um, tornado, or, you know, something disrupts your life. And you can’t keep using willpower to lose weight. Or you, you start emotionally eating again or whatever that is. Now you’re back to even more pressure.

I’m not good enough. Something’s wrong with me?

So when.

So the thing is when she said. I’m. Um, okay. If I took the pressure off, I would never achieve a goal and I would be a failure to lose weight. Then she said, I would never figure out what works for my body and heal my body. That I don’t love myself enough to lose weight. This was crucial. Because I talk about loving yourself.

And my story is I lost 30 pounds.

I was really learning to like, love and accept and embrace all the things. And I was super happy with the 30 pounds down. And then I lost another 20 pounds without intention. And because I was loving myself unconditionally. But when she said it, that I don’t love myself enough to lose weight. There again is a condition. So you’re using. Like a concept of it’s important to love yourself to lose weight, but she hasn’t quite got the whole concept. Um, considered. Now.

This is very normal. By the way, This is very normal because we don’t. Um, Okay. Think about our thoughts, our thoughts. Most of our thoughts, our beliefs. And beliefs are. Just practice thoughts. So when you look at the iceberg, right, only 5% of the iceberg, you see, 95% is out of the water. It’s the same thing with our thoughts and beliefs. So if we believe that we have to love ourselves and we have to force ourselves to love ourselves.

Then we will, we have all this work that we have to do with that because.

When she said, I don’t love myself enough to lose weight.

So now that becomes a belief that she has, but it’s a faulty belief. So all underneath the surface, we have all these faulty beliefs. Like you have to be skinny to be likeable. That’s a

faulty belief. That’s not a, that’s a thought error. It’s a belief error. But because you don’t question it, it’s just under the water.

It’s always there. And so like a boat will come and it won’t realize how big the iceberg is underneath and then it will crash. And it’s the same thing with our thoughts. So. Um, now she’s putting more pressure and stress on herself thinking now she doesn’t truly love herself. And, um, so now we have, the pressure is building. She cracks and then uses the chocolate or the snacking to give her some self love. Which isn’t true.

Love. What true love is. Hey, I hear you. I have compassion. I understand. I see you’re struggling. What can I do to help you? I see we fell down this old thought pattern. That’s actually not true. So in our group call. Uh, yesterday, um, I’m recording this. Uh, I. I, we did an exercise and you can, you can, this is the kind of thing we do inside the membership. So I had the members write down everything. That they like their favorite emotions. What are your most favorite emotions? And what are your least favorite emotions?

So if you want to put this on pause, you can do that. And then I had them. Look at. Really look at those least favorite emotions. And we worked through some of those. And then I asked them to write down what are the things that we need to survive? And what are the things that we want? So we really got clear between the difference between needs and wants. And I’m telling you, it was a very interesting conversation. Especially when you think about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

So Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. It’s like the very, it’s like a triangle. The very basic is like basic, basic things like water. Uh, shelter food. Um,

Those things. And then we move up the scale to eventually at the very tip is self-actualized act actualization. And that is, those are the things that help us to be like the most elevated version of ourselves. So I would like you to do this exercise of what are the things that you need in your life. And what are the things that you want? And the problem is if you think that you need to lose weight to be acceptable. You are putting undue pressure on yourself. And as you know, with pressure. It just keeps building and building and building, and then eventually you will blow. So when I was an elementary school teacher, He used to teach this concept called anger mountain. And I would teach them to the kids.

Cause I had a lot of kids that had behavior problems. And I would say, you know, during, when you wake up, there’s. We’re all. We always wake up with some level of irritation, so it’s like, oh my. And my pillow isn’t that great. My neck is a little sore. So now we kind of have, I like to think about it.

Um, as you’re just going up the mountain, right. And you’re like, oh, I’m kind of uncomfortable. And then maybe your mom made breakfast that you didn’t like, or maybe your mom wasn’t there and you wanted her to make breakfast or maybe why to ask your mom a question and then you couldn’t. So these are these kids that are 10, 11, 12 years old. And, or maybe they wanted to wear their favorite jeans and then they were in the wash and they couldn’t find them. So every time, something doesn’t quite go super awesome. And they don’t resolve it.

They get a little bit higher up the mountain. Then they get to school and then they have these things. And so I’m talking to them about it. What are the things that get you up the mountain eventually? If you don’t resolve these issues, you will get to the top of the mountain and it will explode, right?

Like a volcano. And then your, you don’t even know why, because it was like you, someone. Pushed you in the hallway by accident, and then you just turned around and. Start yelling at them. Even though it wasn’t really a big deal you’ve been at, you’ve been climbing slowly and surely up this mountain of anger. And so I would teach them how to recognize, okay.

If your heart is beating, if you’re feeling like your face is all hot, your skin is like searing and your maybe your, your, um, Your fists are clenching, or maybe you’re biting down on your teeth. And you’re feeling that anxiousness you’re feeling that frustration. Um, we need to learn how to take some breasts, talk ourselves down, or give ourselves compassion because we need to go lower down on the mountain because we don’t want to get so high that we start blowing up.

And that’s that, that anger. And so.

One of the. That’s the same thing with us, right. With pressure. And. One of the tools that the, sorry. The tool that I really want you to focus on in this episode is the difference between a need and a want. Because if you think that you need to lose weight to be acceptable. Then you are going to create a lot of pressure. Even if you need to lose weight to be healthier. And the way you approach that is really negative and have that army Sergeant in your head, that’s not going to serve you. So I have a client, um, who I’ve just started with.

And, um, she has a lot of health issues because of her weight. And so she can’t get the surgery. She can’t get the help. Because she has weight. And so one of the things that I’m helping her with is reframing and saying, I weigh this weight because I didn’t learn tools of how to cope with the problems that I had. And so now I’m just, uh, carrying this extra load because I didn’t have the tools. But now I have tools.

Now I can change the way I am. So I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I did that. I’m sorry that we have this extra weight. Every time you went for food, it was just an attempt to take care of yourself. And she even just talked about, um, she has so much fabric and she feels so guilty because of all the money she spent on fabric.

She could have done other things in her life. She could have travelled more. She could have done other things. It’s the same concept, right? So she’s learning this practice of self-compassion of saying it’s okay. I was just, I didn’t have the tools to work through these problems. And. When you can do that, and you can have that, those kinds of conversations with yourself, guess what you’re doing? You’re going down the mountain, you’re taking the pressure off. And you no longer. Are having that, that super focused. And then the next thing we did on our call is I said, why do you think so? We sign our kids up for it. Sports teams or debate clubs.

Because some people could say, you’re just putting a lot of pressure on those kids. And it was interesting to hear their responses. I’d be interested in your response. And I said this in the last episode, but I heard someone say just because we’re a certain age, doesn’t mean we’re fully baked. I said, so why aren’t we putting ourselves in that now as you. You know, I have lots of kids in basketball. I pay a lot of money to have coaches correct my kids.

And I encourage my kids to get better and better all the time. I’m doing the same thing with myself. I’m getting better at feeling my feelings. I’m getting better at having difficult conversations. I’m getting better at learning marketing and doing all these things. It Doesn’t necessarily feel really natural to me, but I want to serve so many people.

So I’m willing to get coaching and put myself in an awkward situation so that I can learn. But I’m doing it because I want to. Do I need to help other people? I want to help other people. Do they need my tools? I think they do. But I want to help them to learn that. So I’m going to leave this episode where it’s at, because I do really want you to, to take. Um, minute, four minutes, please. Do this for yourself. Go inside yourself and say, am I like this client of Doris who said. Truly believes that if she doesn’t put pressure on herself, she’s never going to achieve her goals.

Because if I’m doing that, no wonder I’m not getting my goals.

No wonder I’m not nailing it. Because I’m putting a lot of unhealthy pressure on myself. Now, there is some good pressure out there. My son just had to try out for a basketball team. That’s some healthy pressure. But that is not sustainable for a long time. And these are the kinds of things you’re going to learn inside my membership. I am going to be very bolt.

When you’re inside my membership and you learn these tools, like maybe it’s other, other, another life coach.

But for me, if you, if you resonate with the things that I say, I do not want you to delay any longer. I want you to come on. Uh, breakout break. A breakthrough call with me. Let’s talk about if this is a good fit or not, because I can promise you that when you finally take this time for yourself. And to go into your brain, you can create a life that you never, ever imagined possible. I am creating goals and achieving things.

I never dreamed of it. Because I’m allowing these tools to work for me. And I want that for you. So let’s do it. What is stopping you? Okay. Get on that break through call. Let’s have a conversation. Let’s get you living the life that you truly truly want. All right. I can’t wait. There’s lots of free training.

Uh, they’re all linked here. Register kind of take, take, test out how it feels I’m here to help you. Bye.

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