#169. Take Control of Your Happiness: Life Coaching Tips for Strengthening Relationships

Have you ever felt frustrated with your relationship, wondering why no matter how hard you try, things just don’t seem to improve? Do you often find yourself waiting for your spouse or significant other to make the right moves, only to feel disappointed? In this episode, I share why your happiness and the quality of your relationships are actually within your control—yes, it’s up to you!

In this episode, I dive into how life coaching can transform not just your relationships but also your overall happiness. I’ll guide you through powerful tools and techniques for rethinking your expectations in your marriage or other relationships. From letting go of “shoulds” to rewriting your manual for how others should act, I explain how to stop placing conditions on others and start focusing on what you can control. Whether you’re dealing with relationship struggles or navigating difficult conversations, this episode will give you fresh insights and strategies.

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What You’ll Learn from this Episode:

  • How to identify and reframe your relationship “manual” for a happier marriage.
  • The importance of taking responsibility for your own happiness.
  • Practical tools for having difficult conversations and building better relationships

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Full Episode Transcript:

Dara Tomasson Podcast Episode 169

169. Take Control of Your Happiness: Life Coaching Tips for Strengthening Relationships

Do you often worry about your relationship with your spouse or with others and feel like no matter how hard you try the relationship, just doesn’t get to where you want it to be. Well, I have such good news for you. My name is Dara Thomason and I’m the quilters coach. And this is episode 169, loving your spouse and being happy.

It’s up to you. All right. So I’m calling all my control enthusiasts out there. Yes. That is what I call us. And I am recovering. Sometimes I slipped back into it. It’s okay. As little girls. It was kind of scary thinking that we were responsible for other people’s emotions. So it makes sense that this is a challenge, but my goal for this podcast is to really help you in this episode to see about. Relationships, whether it’s a spouse or with a significant other. How it’s actually up to you to make that decision.

In fact, I have coached a lot of women and there are a lot of women. Who I’ve helped them make a decision if they want to stay or go in their marriage. And for a relationship you can just substitute marriage for relationship. Maybe with a sister-in-law or with a mother-in-law or whoever that is.

Okay. So this is going to be so helpful, especially as we’re getting into the holiday season and we may be seeing family more, or we wanted to connect more with family and we don’t really have a lot of confidence. This is going to be really helpful. Now we just had a group call this morning and I always make sure that we have three wins at the beginning of every call because I really want to help shift our brains.

And I was kind of teasing the membership because. I just won’t start the coaching call unless we’ve had three, I just won’t do it because of the principle of, we have got to learn to celebrate ourselves. And so they were kind of sitting there. Waiting for. Someone to share. And I said to systematize feeling like, I’m the mom and you have to do this.

And they kind of all laughed. And all of them pretty much are older than me. But they do really appreciate how stable that is because they know and start to understand and appreciate the power of that positivity. And so just in one call. One of the ladies. Decided that she wanted to. Start working on these projects.

So she found three projects. They’re really old quilting projects and she decided I’m going to finish them. And so she finished those last week and it felt so amazing. And so she has built this. Delayed gratification. Muscle and it feels awesome. So we have instant gratification. Versus the delayed gratification and it’s such a powerful tool. To really learn the power of this delayed gratification. And we talk about how that helps her with not procrastinating.

Another lady. Talked about how she had a COVID rebound and instead of pressuring herself to do this and do that and get all these things done. She gave herself grace and let herself rest, which is huge. And so she’s able to be more present and more happy. With everyone and everything around her. And then the third lady realized how often. She will agree to do something and then feel resentment.

And so she has this big custom quilt that she’s working on. Just at the end of every Workday, In her nine to five job, she will go up and do one row. She’s so happy for herself that she did that. These are just some of the examples of the wins of the membership. I am incredibly grateful for these women who come into the membership.

And finally. Start doing this because I just know their quality of life. Has gone up exponentially. The more that they show up for themselves, the more that they can truly look at their own life and take that responsibility. Their life is just so much better. And the crazy thing is they don’t have to get a new kitchen.

They don’t have to get a new car or a new fabric to do that. They actually just start learning to really love their current life. And this is possible for you too. Just saying the membership is always open. Because I never want anyone to feel denied when they’re ready. So if that is something you’re interested in learning more about, you can go check it out or you can come and book a break through call with me. That’d be awesome.

I’d love to talk to you and then we can see if it’s a good fit. All right. So let’s dive into the meat of this episode. So loving your spouse and being happy. It’s up to you. Now. How would you describe your relationship to others? So, if someone was asking you, like, what kind of marriage do you have and what kinds of habits?

And again, please, I’m going to say marriage, but you can substitute like a relationship. However you want. So maybe I wait for my husband to make decisions. I recently coached a client who realizes that. For years and years, she would have her husband make all the decisions. Because she didn’t want to have the pressure of making these decisions. But what happens is she then feels resentment and frustration because she doesn’t feel like she has a voice.

So on one hand she thinks, oh, if he just makes all the decisions and I can take the pressure off of those decisions. But really what’s happening is. He’s making those decisions and now she’s giving up her voice. Of what really makes a difference. So. How would you describe your relationship? To your spouse, to this. The special, significant other. To somebody else. It might have lots of self-coaching activities. But one of my activities that I do and it’s, it’s kind of a fun, playful one. But I imagine that. Somebody new has come. Like at church, for example, or in the neighbourhood or in my I got like a club or something like guilt. And someone says, oh, tell me more about that Dera Thomason. And so I pretend that I’m describing my life. To somebody else. Through somebody else’s eyes.

So it would be like, my friend is saying, oh yeah, this Derrick girl, she is that’s about to die. Okay. It’s really, really interesting to imagine how someone else is describing you, your life, your lifestyle. It was fascinating to do that. And I do that every once in a while, and I get some new insights. On.

Oh, like how she describes, she uses words like, oh, she’s really generous. She loves having lots of people in her home. She loves to throw parties. You always feel so welcome when you’re in her home. She’s really inclusive. It’s just fun for me to listen to the way that she would describe me. So I want you to do that. Of your relationship with your significant other. As you do that, it might be even helpful to record it, listen back and take notes. It’s important to pay attention to the words you use to describe this relationship because you learn. That description and you get this insight. So if you use words like

Compassionate or generous or patient. Those will resonate inside of you. All of us have an instruction manual. So this is one of the tools we’re going to talk about today. Podcast. So Emmanuel is, do you expect others to act a certain way for you to feel good about yourself and them? For example, one of my first jobs was actually working at a flower shop. And so I grade. Nine.

And I go to the flower shop after school. And so my jobs are. Wash the flower buckets. Cut the flowers, change the water. Take care of customers, take orders. Sometimes I had to restock shelves. Sometimes I had to dust. I sweep. I had my job description. This was the manual. This was an expectation.

And so how often do we have expectations in our relationships with other people? And if they don’t do it, then we have some difficulty. So if I’m going to give an example, so in our house, Aye. Aye. Rarely use the dishwasher. And I kind of drive my kids a little bit crazy. But I have this whole thinking of, they don’t have chores.

They don’t have animals. They have to feed.

I want them to learn how to work. So I think one of their chores is washing dishes, drying them and putting them away. So the kitchen will always look nice. And so it’s an expectation of my husband and I, that we have clean dry dishes or always put away. And if they aren’t, then sometimes as parents, we can take it personally and think we have done a bad job of being parents because our kids are not following the rules.

So what is a manual for a good husband? So does that mean they always clean up after themselves? They work full-time and take care of the family. Do they do the bill? Did they take care of the bills?

Do they do yard work? Do they take care of all the cars, the maintenance of the cars to the Cape records of the cars. Do they make meals? Do they do the groceries? A lot of us have. These rules, but we don’t have them articulated. Are they very subconscious? And so they’re not very cut and dry.

So then when the, you have this subconscious rule and then they. Don’t follow the rule. Then you start having all this pushback and frustration. And you don’t even realize why, because you don’t have the intention of that. You don’t have that understanding or the consciousness of it. So, if you think that your husband has to do all these things,

So, if you think that your husband has to do all these things in order for you to be happy, What starts to happen in your relationship?

Exactly. It starts to become very adversarial. It starts to become very frustrating. Another thing that starts happening is there’s a lot of conditions. In this expectation. And the problem is because you don’t realize you have all these expectations, then it feels really frustrating and difficult and you feel. Like you’re keeping tabs, but you don’t know why.

Very lopsided. That’s a good way to say it. And I remember when I did some work. On money and my relationship with money back in 2019. And one of the things that shocked me when I was answering all these questions and really looking at my relationship with the money. There were a lot of conditions I had on money.

If I didn’t weigh a certain amount, then I wasn’t a good human. If I didn’t make enough money, then I wasn’t worthwhile. We had lots and lots of conditions. And part of this comes from just how you’re raised and how you perceive, how you’re raised. So I perceived that if I didn’t have a clean room, then I was not a good person. That was a perception.

Wow. How I interpreted what my mom said. Okay. So now that I’ve got your juices flowing. I want you to write it down. What do you think is your manual for your husband? A good husband should. That’s how you know those Emmanuel. A good husband should provide for his family. A good husband should do the yard work.

A good husband should always put out the garbage. Never be sick, like whatever that is. And I want you to just let yourself.

Figure this out. And as soon as you start saying, should, it’s going to be really, really good for your brain to be directed to. Oh, my goodness. I had no idea. Just like with my mom, a good daughter. Should. Make dinners and not be asked if a good daughter should just. Clean her room and never be asked, right?

Like there’s all these sheds. So now what I want you to do. I want you to write that whole manual down. And then I want you to get out a red pen.

And then I want you to write, you want you to edit it because what does your husband do? So if you have a good husband you should take out the garbage. And he doesn’t. And the reality is he doesn’t take the garbage out. You. Like, that’s not his manual. His manual is he doesn’t take out the garbage. In our marriage, I do.

I pretty much take care of all the bills.

And so if I had this feeling like he should do that, then I’ll probably always feel resentful and mad, but you’re like, no, the reality is. Like, this is what he does. Like I take, I take care of the bills and he doesn’t. And so the benefit here is now. We can write what that actual manual is.

So. This is what he does. He doesn’t take out the garbage, he doesn’t pay the bills. He works. And he never takes care of the cars. He works. Full-time.

And if that’s what it is, that’s what it is. And now we have to learn how to reconcile those two. So, this is what I thought was a good husband. Should be, and you can still keep that if you want, but this is actually how it is. This is the reality. And I did this with my mom.

So my mom. Likes to take pictures of herself in a bathing suit. And post it on Facebook. And so but myself and my brothers and my daughter were like mom or grandma, that’s kind of weird. And my mom was like, that’s fine. You can think whatever you want. I’m just going to keep posting pictures of myself.

I’m a bathing suit on Facebook. And so when I did this exercise with my mom, I wrote a good mom. Shouldn’t post pictures of herself in a bathing suit on Facebook. But the reality is. That she does do that. So her manual says she does that. So my brothers were like, well, we’re not going to follow you on Facebook or you do that.

And she’s like, that’s fine. You don’t have to follow me on Facebook. I’m going to keep doing that. So now. You can have the reality manual. This is the reality of things. And so.

You now get to decide.

Whereas you now get to decide, okay. I can stay in this relationship. With this, this is reality, or I can, I can stay or go it’s up to me. But now you’re not having all that pressure and you don’t have to be fighting against something you don’t even realize you’re fighting against. So this manual has been such a game changer for me, as I have learned these life coaching tools. Remember back when you were little. And you depended on adults to take care of you, whether it was your parents or your grandparents, or your foster parents, or whatever the guardians you had. You walked around with a notepad saying in order for me to be accepted in the tribe. I need to.

Do this, this, this, and this. One of the things that happened for me as a little girl is I thought that I was responsible for other people’s emotions. So if I didn’t clean my room, for example, and my mom got mad. Then I felt like. I had the power to make someone feel a certain emotion, but the truth is my mom could choose.

However she wanted to react. To my action of if I cleaned my room or not. That actually has nothing to do with me as a kid because that’s up to her, how she reacts, but as little kids, We kind of got this message. That we were responsible, how other people feel. So if we got a bad mark on a test, and if they reacted a certain way, then it felt like, oh my goodness, I better not. Get bad marks on them, a test, or if we got a certain row award, like in a dance festival or a music festival, they made a big deal out of our accomplishments.

Then we’re making notes in our notepad in order for me to get special attention, I need to perform at this level. So that’s where the control enthusiasm comes in because we started thinking that we controlled how other people acted. But you could be in the same household and I could do something. And my sister could do the same thing.

And my mom, depending on the time of day, depending on how much sleep she got or whatever happened, she could react one way or another. So this episode is going to be really helpful for you. It’s just a starting off point. When you think about your relationship. Now, inside my membership, I have. I actually have changed.

The name of my membership is called the peaceful heart. Membership. And. I call it the peaceful heart. Membership because.

Because we coach on so many more things than just weight loss. Yes, I am a weight loss coach. I am a mental and physical weight loss coach. I will help you get to the root of the problem, but I’m telling you, if you come to one of our coaching calls, you will see I’m coaching my husband. Doesn’t make goals. Another thing I coached on today and the membership was how much. Her sister-in-law makes her crazy and how she feels so frustrated with her. But the problem is she has so much anxiety and stress about her.

Sister-in-law that anytime they get together, she’s already amped up and worried about how the sister-in-law’s going to treat her. So we have strategies and ways of how to focus on that. I have. A very unique relationship with my mother-in-law and she is pretty much exactly the opposite of me.

And it’s been so fascinating how much coaching has changed. So no matter what she says or how she acts. It doesn’t actually affect me. I can totally react. However I want to react and people can say whatever they want and I never have to worry about getting my feelings hurt or feeling slighted because I actually always get to choose how I react to that. And so what I’ve done in the membership is I have included more. Training and I’m going to continue to In crease, the different modules. So I have two brand new modules in the membership and they are how to get along with your spouse. And they’re amazing. And so you’re going to go deeper into this podcast, and then I have worksheets that will help you with that.

And I have tutoring worksheets in that, and also I have a third module that I just released. It’s how to have a difficult conversation. Like even just knowing how to have difficult conversations.

It has saved me. So much time, so much energy, I would have paid. A hundred thousand dollars just for that skill. I’ve had to have so many difficult conversations, not only with other people, but with myself.

And I have been able to make so many changes in who I am and how I react to people. And how I react to things has just been such a huge game changer. So those three new modules are available inside the membership. I also have how to build a long-term quilting business. There are six lessons there.

They are amazing. If you yourself want to start a business, a Quilty business. Or know someone you should please share that with them. So, like I said this morning, this was actually the best. My client this morning said, oh, that’s right, Dara. Because how you show up in one area is how you show up in all areas. And I was like, yes, yes, yes.

Yes. And so it’s so fun to watch my clients really start using these tools and applying them. And I’m going to invite you to come and speak to me. I can give you free coaching and then we can make a decision. One of my favorite things about being a life coach is helping people make a decision. And that way we’re not vacillating that way we can get our own back. And I highly recommend that you take advantage of this offer.

I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to offer it for, but let’s do this because you’re. Happiness. Is your responsibility. But if you don’t have the tools to learn how to be happy and how to solve all these problems and issues, you’re never going to get to where you want to go and nobody can do it for you.

Other than you, I can help you. I can guide you. And I know 100%. That these tools are what’s going to help you to build the kind of life that you want. So come and join me. Also, I want to remind you, there’s a ton of free training coming in October, November, and December because I know the best way to get the results is by showing up.

Now, if you want to have a better Christmas, if you want to have a better new year’s, if you want to learn how to write those goals for January, you need to learn those skills in October and November and December. All right. Thank you so much for spending this time with me. I can’t wait to keep serving you and helping you, and I will see you on the next one.

If you aren’t loving your current life and hear yourself saying things like, I should be happier. I should be getting more done or question how productive and fulfilled you are. This podcast is for you. I’m Dara Thomas. I’m a professional quilter turned life coach for quilters, where I show you how to overcome obstacles like perfectionism, people pleasing, overeating, overcomplicating life so that you can really start to enjoy your life.

By learning and using tools for your brain to help you transform your everyday living. Are you ready to make these changes? I’m ready to help. Let’s start your transformation one UFO at a time.

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