157. The Power of Coaching and Stories We Tell

Are you feeling like you’re not quite the hero in your own story and you feel like you want your Knight in shining armour to rescue you. I still sometimes feel like that. Well, I’m Dara Tomasson and I am the quilters coach. And this is episode 1 57. The power of coaching and the stories we tell. All right.

I’m loving this new title of the podcast because I truly feel like it’s expressing what I do, because if you are to listen to all of the coaching calls that I’ve had over all of the years, We rarely talk about food. Fact, it is amazing to see. What has happened in the lives of the members? As they fully embrace that they are creating the life that they want.

Their marriage improves, their weight loss improves, their productivity improves. They save a lot of money because they’re finally. Looking at their life.

Joe Dispenza says your personality is your personal reality. When you have a greater awareness of what you’re doing every day, your personal reality, it shapes your personality.

As we do this work and it has, we look at all of these tools, you can truly create whatever kind of life you want. Today we’re going to dive into stories, but before we go into the meat of the podcast, I wanted to share a win on what happens as the ripple effect in the lives of the members because they are doing the work. Today I wanted to share about how this client, her husband, had a coworker, a former coworker who is about 23 years younger. So my client, her husband are in their early seventies. They had this couple over who are in their early fifties. He said to my client, I don’t see a lot of women your age that are really as happy and comfortable in their own skin, as you are. So it was interesting.

Not only did he notice that about her because of this client in particular. She is truly just embracing who she is. She wears funky clothes. She, she just lives her life. Not worrying about other people think

That’s really neat that he could see that about her. But one of the things that I loved was it, she was able to accept that compliment. How many of us have a hard time accepting compliments? It’s really challenging.

Not only is she living the life that she wants to live, but she’s showing other people that it’s possible to live a life that feels really authentic to you. I want to just share that. All right. So I wanted to talk about stories and how do we change our stories? We have some, some cool ideas here and I’m. Just scratch that. So I’m talking about stories and how they are really internalised inside of us and how we’re wired. Too. Be attracted to different stories.

Then how do you create that reality for yourself? So my objective for the end of this podcast is you’re going to have a really good framework. On, how do you create a story of your life that you want to live by? To really help yourself create that. It’s a bit of a tall order, but I got you. I got you.

I’m so glad you’re here. The way I wanted to start out was I want to ask you, what are some of your favourite stories? Do you have a novel that you have read over and over?

If you’ve listened to me for a while, you know that I really love Harry Potter and I’ve read Harry Potter. Like the whole seven series multiple times. I love Harry Potter.

I also, I also really like star wars. I like, you know, a lot of these classic stories. Why do you think we’re attracted to those and what makes a really good story? There’s a story that I really love and I’ve read the novel probably three times and I’ve listened to it at least two or three times with my kids. It’s called the witch of Blackbird pond. It’s about this 16 year old girl who was raised by her father. Her mother died at a young age and she only really had a picture of her mother. It was, this is in like the 1650s,

Her father went to Barbados and then he died. Then someone tried a 50 year old, tried to marry her and her grandfather died. She wasn’t of an age and status in life that she could be on her own and take over her father’s money. So she went with her two cousins and her uncle. He was very strict and stern Puritan.

So kit with all of her beautiful silk dresses and just this abundance of beautiful finery goes across from Barbados to up the east coast. And then, makes her way through the rivers and the channels. Gets to her uncles and ants, very Puritan lifestyle. They were very simple clothes. No, no fancy finery whatsoever. She, it’s a, it’s a stark contrast. She has to work and she’s got these two cousins. One is physically disabled. And the other one is, I need to work a lot. There’s no boys in the home. And it’s just this amazing story. Then of course, some romance comes and with the cousin and then there was a boy named Nathaniel and then, of course, there’s this witch. Blackbird pond and she is shunned by the society, but she has insight and wisdom. People don’t really understand her. Kit starts to be able to friend her and there’s all these different relationships.

So when you think about this story

And it’s interesting. I want you to think about, like, what is a story that you love to read? What is the story you love to think about? What is. Why do you think that happens? Where’s that coming from?

Like what compels you to keep reading?

And why. You know, on a S. On a drive in the car or when you don’t have a lot to think about. Why will you go back to those characters? And why will you think about them? What draws you to that?

One of the reasons is that each one of us wants to secretly become who we really are. When we’re watching a character like Harry Potter or Luke Skywalker or Kit. Who knows that they have greatness and they have all these obstacles. You are cheering them on. You’re saying you got this, you can do this.

I believe in you. You can overcome these obstacles. You have all of these odds stacked against you, but I know you can do this.

So why do we do that? Why are we drawn to that? It’s because we want it for ourselves as well. It’s really hard for us to believe in ourselves, even though it’s so easy. To see it in others and to, to wish it for others, but why is it so hard for ourselves?

So on the worksheet I have this question. We all want to live our dreams, but what stops us from doing the work?

To pursue those dreams. What stops us from doing that?

I have some dream killers here. People will make fun of me. People will judge me and say mean things. People will tell me that I can’t do it

I don’t like making mistakes.

I will feel bad. I will speak harshly to myself. I will berate myself. I will be hard on myself. Okay. How often does that happen? Then I hate to waste time and resources on failing. I like to be productive and resourceful.

Now there’s this book called Building a StoryBrand. When you, I have this, like these life coaching tools that I love to share with people. but I need to learn how to market. I’ve heard him sharing this idea. Over and over. And so in this book and I actually have a formula, I’m going to share it with you. It shows why. The stories are so compelling.

I want you to think about yourself. When you think about your life and just even, you know, in a gap in the gain, it always says measure backwards. Right? Always measure backwards. When you measure backwards, I want you to think about what are the things in your life that you have overcome. Y that now are just super simple. I’m talking like you don’t have to be hard.

Do you remember when you couldn’t even turn the light on by yourself? You weren’t tall enough. Do you remember that pleasure? Sheer pleasure like I did it. I shared this story once before about my little boy, who’s now six, four and a half. When he was,

I think he was like three.

He made me a sandwich, a mustard sandwich. He says, mom, We’re going to have a Nick and Nick. He got a blanket and he put it on the front lawn. He puts so much mustard on that sandwich. It was drenched with mustard. We sat there and we ate that mustard sandwich on our Nick and Nick. That was so exciting for him that he could do something like that by himself.

He didn’t need me anymore. I want you to look back on your own life. What were those feelings or how did that yeah. What was that feeling of knowing? I can do this myself. I can create this. I don’t know about you, but like, what was it like when you made your first quilt and how exciting was that first quilt and what did that do for you? I want you to think about it, I’m going to share my screen.

Those people who are listening to the podcast, no big deal but you can look it up on the StoryBrand. Here it is. When they talk about this, I want you to think about yourself. What is something that you really want to accomplish? Is it weight loss? Is it a happier marriage? Do you want to be a pattern writer?

You want to quit your job? Are you wanting to replace your income? Whatever that is. In the StoryBrand framework we have the character now, the characters, you, and then we have a problem. The problem is, let’s just use weight loss. That you don’t know how to feel your own feelings. You keep turning to all these diets, but at the end of the day, you’re always still grabbing the Ben and Jerry’s or the donuts or whatever that is.

It just feels terrible because you don’t want to have the side effects of what that does for your body. You don’t want to have type two diabetes. You don’t want to be insulin resistant. You want to be able to do the things. The character has a problem meeting a guide. Luke Skywalker meets Yoda.

Harry Potter meets dumbledore. Frodo met Gandalf, thank you. Then give them a plan. Then that plan requires them to take action.

We have to be brave. We have to be courageous. We have to learn magic, or we have to learn how to tap the force.

We have to learn to like for this,

Which aback Blackbird pond. We have to learn the new social norms that we have to learn these new cultural expectations. We have to learn to work and use our hands. No servants anymore. Then that results in success. It helps them to avoid failure. This is the framework.

This is what helps us to become who we are. Now. Going back to these questions. When you think about the dream killers, you think about people who will make fun of me. How do you feel when people make fun of you?

Just discouraged. Frustrated. You know, what, what does that feeling mean? People will judge me and say mean things. How would you feel? Do you feel excluded? You feel exiled, you feel rejected. People will tell me that I can’t do it. You feel despondent, you feel discouraged. Do you feel purposeless, you feel aimless like. What are those feelings?

I don’t like making mistakes.

You feel like a failure.

I hate to waste time and resources on failing. What is that? Then I like to be productive and resourceful.

You want these things, you don’t want the opposite. when you think about it. What’s on the other side of success?

There’s a lot of negative emotions. One of the problems with negative emotions is that we don’t know how to work through them.

We don’t because when we were kids, we were told, oh, you’re sad. Here’s a sucker. You’re sad here. I can make you look, make cookies. You’re sad, here is some ice cream.

You’re sad. Go to your room. Get out of my face, right? Like, I don’t know how to deal with you. So you gotta, you gotta go. The problem is we didn’t learn how to, first of all, acknowledge the emotion. Then secondly, we didn’t know how to process that emotion. We didn’t learn how to allow it. Yes, last week I talked about the solution to solving any, any problem. It’s called the model and the model has a circumstance. Let’s say the number on the scale, and then we have a thought about it. I’m not going to live the life I wanna live. Then we have a feeling so devastated. Then from that feeling, because the feeling is always the fuel for our actions that we’ll now precipitate all the actions.

Think of all the times we’ve failed. You know, all of those resolve actions that we take.

We don’t feel our feelings. We don’t slow down. We eat more food than our body needs because we want to avoid it. Then of course, if you’re spending all your time in those actions, the result is you never learn how to lose the weight forever. You just keep in that same cycle. The reason why we would love stories is because we love to see the character overcoming their obstacles. We triumph in it. We are so excited to see that someone can overcome those obstacles. You think of the story, the little woman, and about who writes and, you know, she just, her fingers are black and she goes back and forth to the publisher. She’s working so hard and sacrificing so much to really live her dream. Then she has that whole love issue with that boy.

That hurts when my sister gets so sick. Then she goes back to spend time with her sister and. Where the whole time we’re just on the edge of our seats saying no keep fulfilling your dream. Don’t get distracted, stay focused. You’re you have a, you have a purpose and, and we’re so. Excited to see these people moving through all these obstacles.

Just like our personal reality becomes our personality. If we don’t know how to work through our own struggles. Then we just keep sitting on the sidelines and we keep cheering everyone else on, but we never cheer ourselves on. So my experience is being a life coach is just so amazing because I am watching these women overcome these obstacles. I want to share something that has happened in my personal life.

Because the life coaching tools, one of the misconceptions is that we think that we’re broken and that we need to be fixed and that we should just get ourselves fixed. Then once we’re fixed, we’re never going to have any more problems. We’re going to be able to to relax and to enjoy our life.,

I just recently, so learning to be an entrepreneur has been a big learning curve for me.

I didn’t realise all the things that go with finding the people to coach them and to build this community. It’s a whole new learning experience for me. Recently I had a masterclass. I’ve had a masterclass and I signed up so many people, they signed up for membership and it’s wonderful. I just feel so good about myself and I think, oh, I know what I’m doing.

But there was nobody on the sales call, the fourth day wasn’t already a member of my membership. It was a little bit tough to swallow.

Everyone had already paid me money. How is this possible? How have I been in business for three and a half years? I have made over a million dollars as a live coach. I’m doing this class. And there’s no buddy. I just felt so terrible. I felt so pathetic. I, I just let myself have all the thoughts. I just let myself feel all the feelings.

Talk about the dream killers.,

a few hours later. And by the way, there was a woman that signed up to work with me one-on-one. She just didn’t happen to be on the call. So that was amazing. But, a few hours later I have our regular group call. She joined and it’s just been really awesome to watch her and her sister is in really rough shape. She has a really terrible disease. It’s very unusual. She doesn’t have the same reality. It’s kinda like I’m opposite of Alzheimer’s it’s it’s,

like her brain still sees things, but it doesn’t see it properly. Back in March and I’m recording this in June. I coached her and it was really hard for her to get coached.

It was very vulnerable. I encouraged her and I helped her and I, so I was able to give her some really powerful coaching.

She said later that night she had a shower and she was able to do a verbal thought download. Then in the middle of the night, she woke up and she realised she started laughing because she realised that she’s judging her sister from her broken brain. She realised how silly that was, that she was being offended by this broken brain.

She said to me, I’ve been meaning to tell you this since March. I just haven’t and my life has changed so much since that time.

I just really wanted to thank you. You know, and she’s lost 30 pounds which is great, but she said my life is so much lighter and happier.

It was so wonderful for me because I was feeling so frustrated because I was judging myself that I was such a bad business owner and that I was so bad at marketing and what was wrong with me? What I did in that moment was I brought up that StoryBrand and I often say to my clients, What would it be like when you’re struggling? Like I was, and I was thinking. Man, this is making my story so compelling. Like if this was a movie people would be on their edge of the seat because they would see me discouraged and frustrated. That in the past I had had, you know, these. 10 people sign up on a sales call and then two years later, a year later here I am with no one. Meanwhile, I did eventually get someone to sign up. There’s probably others that will, but it’s it’s I, you have to remind yourself. That it’s not linear.

It’s not like, stock market, right? It’s not like we just are always getting better and better, better consistently at like a 45 degree angle. It’s up then down and up and down and up and down. It’s the same thing with weight loss. It’s the same thing with our relationships.

We can have these amazing, incredible conversations and connections with our spouses. Then two weeks later, you’re like, How, how are you? You don’t even know me. Or with our kids or whatever it is and that, because this is what being a life is, this is what living a life looks like. So having life, a life coach and having life skills and tools to help you. Is so powerful. So I wanted to share.

That experience because I think that a lot of us. Forget. And so when we watch those movies, they are epic. How many hours is it nine hours to watch? The Hobbit or Harry Potter. I mean, those are hours and hours and you’re just rooting for them and be like, don’t give up. I want you to be able to do that for yourself. That is in part what happens in life coaching.

The last thing I’m going to say as I conclude this, this episode, Is

We are physically connected. Obviously our brain is connected to our body.

One of the things that I see in myself and others is if we are not speaking our truth, if we are not allowing ourselves to create our dreams. If we are spending a lot of time killing our dreams and making excuses And not feeling our feelings, our bodies will suffer. Sometimes it’s our thyroid, if we are not telling our truth or sugar coating our truth, Then our thyroid is saying. Nope. That’s not good. That’s not a healthy girl.

arthritis it’s stopping and saying slow down. You’re not being healthy.

I recently just got sick. I don’t get sick very often. Part of it was, I was pushing my body too hard.

I was pushing myself too hard. I needed to slow down and to rest and be more calm. This is our body’s way of communicating with us and we have to work in unison. That is why life coaching, especially for permanent weight loss, is so important because we need to connect with our body. We need to have that communication. If you are resonating with the words that I’m saying, and if you can relate to this. I’m here for you. I have a lifetime membership where once you pay, you can pay a hundred dollars a month for 24 months.

You can pay all at once. It’s $2,000.

You’re in and we have all of these calls. It is. Unbelievable what you get for what you pay like is life changing? It saves your life. Not only does it save your life, but generations. If you have questions or concerns You might be asking yourself. All you need to do is just come on.

You can book a call. I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to offer these free coaching calls. They’re 20 minutes long. We can get on a call. But for now I have time. I don’t know when you’re listening to the replay of this. But if it’s July 25th, 2024. I have time right now. You can ask me any questions.

I can give you some free help. If that feels like a good fit, I would love you to join my community at the time of recording, I have space for one, one more. One-on-one client.

If that’s something you want to do a deep dive with me. I also have coaches in my own program that I can offer you coaching through them at a different price.

I just want to serve you. I want to see you. I want to see you get to that place where, you know, you really are being yours. You’re an amazing self. Like we’re all cheering you on in the theatre. We’re all saying you can do it. It was me being on the sales call with nobody there. I just, I actually kind of started laughing.

I thought, well This is a good side, that the people that I’ve already paid me money come to everything I offer.

Really getting it. Something anyways, it’s such a pleasure to be with you on these podcasts. I can’t wait to meet with you. Hear back from you. And I love you to leave me a review. I would love you to share my podcast with your friends. I’m the quilters coach. Share me with all your quilting friends.

All right. Take care everyone. Bye bye.

If you want more help with learning about your body and how it’s changing through menopause, perimenopause, through whatever it is, my program is focused on helping you truly become your own best expert. So as we go through June, uh, working on our menopause, perimenopause experiences. July, we’re focusing on becoming our own bestie July and August actually with our summertime, um, challenge.

And then in August, we’re really diving into how to lose the physical weight when you focus so much on the mental. I have an incredible program for that coming in August. So there’s so much to look forward to. You truly can make your own transformation and I love helping you. Find that inner knowledge and wisdom.

That’s just waiting for you to unlock so that you can create permanent change for yourself.