121. Weight Loss and Saying No Without Guilt

Do you have a lot of trouble saying no when people ask you to do something? And then you find yourself feeling resentful when you’re doing it because you just don’t have enough time in the day to do everything that you want to do or need to do? Well, today’s episode is going to be a game changer for you. I’m Dara Tomasson, and this is Love Yourself In, episode 121, weight loss and saying no without guilt.

Okay. How often do you have problems saying no? And if you do say no, how often do you feel like you have to explain why. And then you go into a big story and you feel like you have to explain it to them and justify it. Okay. If that’s you, perfect. You’ve come to the right place. This podcast is for you. Now, there’s several tools that we’re going to unpack in this podcast. So one of the tools is going to be one of my favorites, emotional adulthood. Another one is going to be looking back at your history and seeing what is the evidence that you’re looking for. So we have what’s called a confirmation bias. That’s going to be a helpful tool. And the other tool is about guilt and understanding what guilt really means. So we’re going to review emotional adulthood. And if you go to the worksheet, it’s going to be really helpful. So we’re going to have emotional adulthood we’re going to look at today. We’re going to look at messages as a kid, so that confirmation bias in our brain. And we’re going to look at the definition of guilt because then we’re going to see how that impacts the way you think about guilt and understanding guilt. Plus, we’re going to look at the physical reaction of guilt in our body and what happens there. Okay. So a reminder, if you go to the worksheet that’s going to help you kind of stay on track as you’re working through all this.

Okay. So a lot to go through on this podcast. I definitely recommend you listen to it once all the way through, and then come back, listen to it again with the worksheet, and really with a pen, and being very present with what I’m talking about. Because when you do this work, when you put in that time and effort, what’s gonna happen is your Christmas is going to be different. The way you celebrate Christmas or the way you celebrate the holidays, all of that is going to change because you are going to feel so much more in control. Now, the day this is coming out is November 15th, which for my American friends, you’re having your Thanksgiving coming up and that is why I’m recording this and for all my friends who celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah these big events, they really can impact our own mental health and if you don’t have the proper tools then you’re really setting yourself up for a lot of exhaustion, you’re not going to be able to be like present with your family or with your feelings because you’re going to be just spending so much time running around and doing everything and not really knowing how to have boundaries.

Okay. So, just a quick win before we start I wanted to just share one of my clients she has really been struggling with her sleep and one of the things that really helps her with her sleep is if she exercises and just does leg workouts. And so she’s learning how to prioritize herself which is really challenging because, this is what we’re going to be talking about today, about guilt, because there’s so many other things that she should be doing, or could be doing, or should, do you notice the should? And so she’s learning how to prioritize herself, and when she does that in fact, last night she got some of the best sleep she’s ever had because she’s understanding what she needs to do to be the best version of her.

Okay. So the first thing that we’re going to talk about in today’s podcast is really looking at what is guilt? And I define guilt in two different ways. One is you deny yourself a feeling. So let’s say someone says oh You’re such a you’re such a talented Homemaker or you make such beautiful quilts. Now if you don’t allow a feeling of gratitude or acceptance or whatever that is, you deny yourself a feeling, that brings on guilt And so when you deny yourself a feeling that’s guilt, okay? The second definition of guilt is when you have two conflicting thoughts. So for example, you might say, I love my life, but I want more. And then you feel guilty because you think, but how can I love my life if I want more? So that’s what I mean when I say we have two conflicting thoughts. Now the birthplace or where guilt is in your body, because this is, if you’re new to my podcast, I want to really emphasize this concept; our bodies are connected to our brains and many women who struggle with their physical weight, they aren’t connected to their bodies. And in fact this was my experience where I would go shopping and I would be trying on clothes and thinking, like, why am I getting such a large size? Like, why aren’t these other pants fitting me? What’s going on? And so I was really disconnected of What my body actually looked like. And it’s the same thing with so many of my clients, they, they’re just really, they have like this body dysmorphia, like they don’t really own the size of their body because they’re not connected. So I like to think of, a good way to think about this is like you’ve, you basically have your head is detached from your body. Like you don’t have that connection to how you’re feeling and what’s going on.

So our bodies are there to actually help us. So when we have a thought, we have an emotion and the emotion is like a vibration in our body. It ripples through us like a vibration and it lets us know what’s happening. So If we have a baby who is crying and we’re responsible for that baby then we will feel love for that baby. We have like a thought, like I need to take care of that baby or that baby needs me. And then you have the feeling of love. And so when the baby’s in crisis you say I need to go you have a feeling of Nurture or care or urgency or whatever that is and then that emotion informs you get up and let’s get going and so It keeps us safe. If there’s a really scary guy walking in the, you know, in a, like a dark alleyway or something, we will have a thought like, this is sketchy, this is not safe, and then we’ll have the feeling of fear, and that fear is, then we’ll send a message to our body of, up and let’s go, this is danger. Okay, so emotions and our body are there to help us. And the more that we can connect with our brain and our body, the more success we’re going to have.

And so guilt actually is in our body and it helps us know what to do and it helps to inform us and it is in our lower belly. Now think about where our lower belly, what is connected there? This is where our uterus is. It’s literally the birthplace of like where our bodies create new life. And so if we have a lot of fat in our lower bellies, it’s because we’re having some form of guilt. So we’re denying ourself a feeling or we’re having conflicting thoughts and we’re not working through it. So this is where we really need to Connect more to our body and learn from our body. And I know this sounds very strange. I know when I first learned this, I thought this is like kind of some weird stuff. But the more that I own my body and put my hands on my belly or put my hands on my hips where they’re sore or wherever I’m having any sort of pain I’m able to get informed from my body. I’m like, okay, what’s going on body? What’s happening here? And so we need to use our bodies to help us and even being able to put your hands, let’s say if you do have a lot of fat on your lower belly to saying, Hey, like what’s going on and just checking in and your body it stores memories, it stores fear, and you can get informed from that. So I just want to share with you that because that will make a huge difference for you.

Also think about your sympathetic and your parasympathetic nervous system. Your body is always saying, so for example, if you feel a spider on you, that is your, you have a sensory input on your nervous system. And then you make a decision of integration of like, what do I do with that? And then you have a motor output of, I need to wipe that spider away, or I need to run away or whatever that is. So our nervous system, the more that we can connect with that system in, inside of us, then we can be more healthy, we can be more assured, and we can feel more in charge of our life.

Okay. So I just wanted to share some of the science with you so that this podcast will make a big difference for you, because one of the biggest problems if you say no to somebody or so you say yes, when you really wanted to say no, do you know who you’re really saying no to? Yourself. So you’re putting yourself on the back burner because there’s only so much time every day available to us, right? So if someone says, can you make these cupcakes for the party? Or can you pick up my mother in law? Or can you do this errand for me? When you take time away from your schedule that means that you now have to say that you can’t do certain things that you wanted. So then you’re giving yourself the message that what you want and what you’ve decided to do it’s not important. And so imagine when you were little, you had a friend that you would knock on the door and say, Hey, can you come out and play? And I shared this example in a previous podcast recently with my friend, Nell. And if I kept saying no all the time, eventually she would stop asking me to come and play. And so if you keep saying no to yourself, then you’re doing the same thing.

All right, so this concept of emotional adulthood, really important. And I think this is a reason why we have the problem with saying no and feeling that we have to feel guilty. Because when we were little you would come home from school and you say Tommy hurt my feelings or even your mother could say, well, you hurt my feelings, sweetheart. And this is a really big problem because you think, I have that kind of power? I can influence how other people feel? And that’s really scary. And that’s a lot of responsibility. And so that’s where the danger is, right? So that’s the first thing. And we’ve talked about emotional adulthood in the past, and I do, I do have the definition here. You do not have the power to change the way people feel because feelings only come from our own thoughts. So this concept is super important.

The other thing I want to share is that no is a complete sentence. If someone asks you to do something and you can’t or you don’t feel like that is going to work for you because you have all these different things, all you need to say is no. No, that’s not possible. Or no, I’m not able to. Or no, not right now. But you don’t have to explain. I remember It was really interesting to me, I have a few memories and one of them was I decided, we lived in a small town and I thought it would be really fun to do a cookie exchange. I’m married, I have kids, and I always, I looked at other people that did cookie exchanges and I thought they looked so fun. And I thought, Oh, I’m a grown up now. I can do things like that. And I remember calling, inviting a bunch of ladies that we would go to this mom group and ask them to come to this cookie exchange. And you’d bring the recipe and bring cookies to share and we just have this fun night. And I remember inviting one lady and everyone said, yes, and they were all very excited. But one lady responded and said, you know what? I have far too many commitments right now. And I’m making a decision to be less stressed over the holidays. And I remember thinking, you can do that? You can say, no thank you? It was just so interesting to me. And, and then a few years later, I was talking to a family, we had invited them over for dinner. And I said, Oh we were going to do this, this evening out as, as couples or something. And he said, actually, I’ve planned a date with my kids, so I’m going to do that. And I was like, Oh, like you would just prioritize going out with your kid and not go out with like couples? And as I’m sharing this it sounds really strange and kind of shallow I guess but I remember how impressed I was that they were actually saying no and they didn’t have to share their reasons, but it helped me. It helped me to say, Oh yeah, you can do that.

And next episode next week, I’m going to be sharing about shame and becoming shame resilient and how to work through shame, but being able to state what’s important to you and then owning that, it’s just so interesting because so many of us have the people pleasing. So many of us think we have to do things to get a certain level of status, or we have to be accepted in the group, or if we don’t you know, get this certain sort of acceptance from others, then we will be rejected, which is literally in our DNA that the, that is a real fear.

So the last part of this message that I really want you to take away is I want you to ask yourself, what were the messages you received as a kid about saying no and the power that you have? So what were the examples that were given to you as a kid? Did you have a mom that just did everything for everyone and maybe she wore that like a badge of honor? Or maybe you had, you just got a message of, I need to do things for other people to get my worth. Like, what were those messages? And this is the most exciting news. The way you think about things changes. Even if you used to think about something for years and years and years, you always have your current thoughts about your past. So because of that, you can change the way you think about your past. It’s amazing. It’s life changing. It truly does allow you to rewrite your past. And that is why Understanding about your brain, understanding about these tools to manage your brain is what’s going to make all the difference. Your brain is your best investment. The more that you can understand your brain, the more that you can connect with your body and understand how your body is storing fear, how you’re, you’re carrying extra weight because you’re trying to protect yourself or you don’t understand what to do, the more you can do that, the more success you’re going to have with permanent weight loss, I promise. We have to take care of the mental weight before the physical weight can leave and it can stay off for good. It is why I can promise my members in my membership that they never have to worry about putting weight back on because they are learning tools to help manage their brain everyday. So if they are putting weight on, I have clients that will put on 20, 30, 40 pounds and say, Dara, like what’s going on? And I can help them come back.

I recently had an experience where I lost six pounds in one day because I had been putting on some of this weight, kind of not sure what was going on. And then when I resolved it and really saw what I was doing, I was able to rectify it. And it was interesting that the weight came off like six pounds in one day. Talk about our bodies trying to get our attention, trying to say, Hey, pay attention, you’re doing some stuff, it’s not helpful. Let’s, let’s make some changes.

If you are resonating with what I’m saying, And you’re ready for a change and you want to really enjoy the holidays and you really want to enjoy the life, your life, I wrote down the other day when I was journaling Fall in love with the life you have and you all have wonderful parts to your life You really do. But how many of you actually enjoy it? And if you want to really start enjoying your life Let’s Get to work. Let’s learn these tools. Let me help you with that. And I promise you will have no regrets when you do this. Can’t wait to talk to you later. Bye.